Finding the way

For as long as I can remember, I've had this dream, no... goal, to be a writer.   I want to write a novel - to actually finish writing a novel.   I've written a lot over the years, and I can't seem to find that perfect thing to write that actually gets me to the end.   And it makes me wonder if that's actually ever been a realistic dream for me. Am I even capable of completing something like that?  Has it been stupid to hold on to that for so long?

*insert heavy sigh*

It's hard to re-evaluate dreams you've been holding since childhood.  And I don't think this one needs to be completely abandoned, but I don't think I have any idea how to move forward with it.

2014 Wrap Up

So, this has been an interesting year.  Mostly in the past two months, work-wise, and otherwise, not really at all.  For unforeseen circumstances, I have had added responsibility, and managed to handle it all fairly gracefully, which is both good because it gives me background when applying for new and exciting positions, and bad because I've had to be stuck at the Complex to accomplish it.  I'm still anxious to find a new position for reasons too numerous to list here.  And I hope that I'm not so desperate for something new that it comes across to anyone who chooses to offer me an interview.

As of this moment, I have been in the same position for slightly more than 9 years.  In that time, I have seen 3 full-time Program Coordinators (my "companion" position in the office) and 18 co-op students (mostly University, one College and a couple of high school) rotate in, and back out, of the office.

This could indicate several things: 1) that I'm loyal and not given to floating in and out of things, 2) that I'm in a rut that I can't get out of.  Mostly, it means that every 4 months I have to retrain the only other person in my office.  And by the time most of them are actually useful as support in the position, they leave.  And the process starts all over again.  The few who have stuck around, stay long enough for me to get into a comfortable synchronicity with them before they go and leave me to the pattern again.

I'm tired.  And I dread going to work.  And I think what I said above is the main reason for both things.  I'm in a constant state of uncomfortableness with the newest additions and they're never around long enough to get out of it.  I've got no one I can rely on, to know that if I'm off one day, they'll pick up the slack.  I have no peer.  It's lonely.  And frustrating, because I'm also mostly surrounded by people who only kind of get it.  It's not that I physically have too much to do, though I can't say that I don't hate having to do parts of the Program Coordinator job as well as my own, but it's mentalling taxing having to adjust to and remember what these new people do and don't know all the time.  Trying not to expect too much at the beginning, or expect too little later on.  I don't know how to keep straight where they are at any given moment in time.

And I want them to ask questions when they don't know something, but I often feel as if I'm always answering the same questions.  It's not usually their fault; I just can't remember who has asked what, or when.

Like I said, I'm tired.   Part of me is proud that I've managed to weather all the crap that's been ongoing in the job for the past 9 years.  Another part of me is screaming "Why won't someone just help me get out?!"  But it's all mental, right?  Take a few deep breaths.  Remember that it's not the co-ops fault that they're here and they're learning, and try not to snap their heads off.  Eventually I will get my due.

Or maybe this is it.

My Confession

"... that smile you're wearing

It's a beautiful disguise

It's just something you put on to hide the emptiness inside

And you seem so lonely"

I realized tonight, sometime between listening to music that I love by an artist that I ... well, I won't say love, but something resembling some version of it, and driving home, that I am not as okay with the way my life is, as I may seem to be - To anyone who knows me, and not even to myself. And the worst part is that I don't know why, or how to fix it. There's not so much anything really wrong, it's just that ... well, something's just not right. And I've been rationalizing and reasoning and explaining why it's fine for so long that I almost had myself convinced. Until I hear random song lyrics that have never made me cry before, but somehow now have some strange poignancy, even if the context of the song isn't exactly right.

"Trying to outrun all the memories

But I keep falling down

I keep falling down

And it's like you still got a hold on me

'Cause I keep falling down

I keep falling down"

Maybe it's just a random feeling that something needs to change, if I could figure out how to change it, and some part of me will long for the old, while another part wants to stop looking back and start looking toward something new. Maybe I'm just in a sad place, where anything that seems remotely melancholy is going to hit a chord.

"I confess, everytime I come around

Something's always got you down

And I don't understand why

And if you wanna tell me

I'll be the angel on your shoulder, baby

I'll be the man that you confide in"

Maybe it's just that everyone seems to have that person who they can confide in, share things with, and I don't. Maybe, it's just because I'm thinking about my friends upcoming wedding, and how two of my other friends have gotten married in the past two years, and that some part of me is envious. And maybe it's not a blanket issue that envelopes my whole life; maybe it's just something that will pass, and is only something because I was faced with it today, and seemingly constantly, recently.

"I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with your head

Everytime I look around you're somewhere else instead

I wanna ask you why but everytime I try, you cry"

Maybe this whole thing is just a fleeting moment of non-clarity, of having too much time for my mind to wander, of too much emotion for random reasons. Maybe it doesn't mean anything at all. Maybe it's just me watching something unreachable, and wanting it for myself.

"From the first hit

I saw my world come crashing down

I’ll never forget

How you just blew my mind

My head is spinning

Feel my heart ’bout to explode

I’m overload from the head to toe

Around and round and round we go"

Lyrics from "Heart Without a Home", "Falling Down", My Confession" and "Addicted" - performed by Nick Carter

*sad face*

Having a bit of a down week.

Last week was the last official day for my third office-mate in the eight years I've worked at the Complex.  Add that to the number of co-op students who've come and gone, and the fact that I've been trying to get out of that place for at least 3 years, and it's a little depressing.  I should just be grateful for the job that I have, but somehow that's just not getting through to my heart right now.

It probably doesn't help that I'm friends with all 3 former co-workers and am watching them do great things in their lives, at least new and interesting things, and here I sit, in practically the same place as when I started. (Not exactly the same place, since I was living with my parents when I got the job, and I've since bought a condo, but the premise is the same.) Nothing much has changed.

And I think I'm likely sabotaging my weight loss effort because of the bit of depression I'm feeling, which just adds to the depression.  It makes me feel like a failure.  I feel kind of like crying.  Maybe I should make myself watch a sad, sad movie to get the tears out and maybe I'll feel better.  Normally, I'd say I'll plan that for the weekend, but this weekend I actually have plans, so surprisingly, I won't be able to sit around and do nothing.  WOO!  (That's the good version, not the sarcastic one... in case you were wondering.)

Anyway, I just wanted to use this space for a little venting, and now I'm done.

Can anyone see me!?!?

I felt totally overlooked all day today.  Like that chair that you know is in a room, but you don't really give much thought to, unless it's in your way?  I don't really know what the deal was.  It was just a really ooky feeling, and it made me angry.

And I'm feeling like a pity-party is coming on, so the rest of this week has to go by pretty quick, because the pity-party can't hit until the weekend.  Once I'm holed up inside my own place then I can feel sorry for myself.  But it's very difficult when you're dealing with customers and co-workers to deal with the pity.

In other news, I heard on the radio this afternoon that Leslie Carter died.  The sister of Nick and Aaron Carter.  She was only 25.  And she had a 10month old daughter.  It's just so sad.  That family, despite the fame, or possibly because of it, has not had a good luck.

This video isn't particularly apropos, but other than the House of Carters reality show, it's the only thing I can find for Leslie.  Besides, it's cute.  So why shouldn't she be remembered, at least partially for something fun. (Also, the quality really sucks.)  This was how I first heard of Leslie Carter.

*sigh*

No go on the job.  They're going with internal candidates.  Which makes a lot of people ask: if they were going to go with internal candidates why did they post externally?  I think it's a case of not knowing that there were going to be internal candidates (it's a small organization) and so they posted externally and just happened to get internals that were actually qualified.  Also, they might have been trying to deepen the pool.  To make sure that they didn't just hire internally when someone more qualified might be out there.  

Anyway, it does seem like they've wasted a few people's time.  Mine included.  But they were very positive about the whole thing.  I was very qualified and came across well and it was a pleasure to meet me and blah blah blah.  

I don't know, it's never very reassuring when they're telling you to go away, at the same time as all the positive thoughts.  Oh well.  Something else will come along, right?

When will the effort pay off?

I'm trying, really I am. 

Trying to get a new job.  Putting in as many resumes as I can find jobs to apply to.  Even part time.  And temporary positions.

I have to keep trying to stay positive.  But it's frustrating.

I understand that a lot of people are going through this at the moment.  It's just the climate of the economy.  And I should be grateful that I'm one of the people who still have a job while I'm searching.  This, I know.

My issues really come from watching people come and go from where I am, and I still sit there.  And some of these people are my friends.  And I've watched them leave (some in entirely bad circumstances) and eventually find positions that make them happy.  They've made changes in their lives based on that change, and they're doing well.   And I'm watching my life stay the same.  Partly because I'm afraid to take a risk, because I like the relative security of what I have.  And partly because I just don't know what else to do.  I can't make people see that I should be part of their organization.  I can't make up skills that I don't have, or convince people that I can do things that they don't see that I can do.  I just don't sell myself well enough for that.

I guess I should learn.  Add that to the list of things that I need to put more effort into.

It's Wednesday

I went to the dentist today.  This is exceptionally boring considering I've just come back from Las Vegas.

But I still have my memories, right?  And pictures.

Lots and lots of pictures - No, I take that back.  Somehow I can take 400-500 pictures at a 2 hour concert, and I end up with precisely 151 pictures over the course of 4 days.  Figure that one out.  Doesn't seem like that many shots when put that way, does it?

Ah well.  I still have pictures. And memories.

I wonder if the rest of my current life is going to seem boring now that I've seen the randomness and bustle of Vegas?

Thinking and thoughts

I'm tired.  In both the literal and figurative sense.

I'm finding it hard to be at work, and watch other people come and go, and to still be there. It makes me think that I'm stuck.  In a rut maybe.  Or that my destiny is to be there.  Forever.   Or that I'm not worthy of anything better.  And that's just depressing.  And then I fall into self-pity mode.   And that's not healthy.  I know it.  But I can't seem to stop it.  It's just there, right in front of me.  This horrible dread that just sits there, taunting me, saying I can't do any better than what I'm doing right now.

And I know this is a horrible way to feel.  I should be grateful for what I have: a steady job, with good benefits, and people that I don't hate working with.  And I manage to almost, kind of, support myself.  Even though I've got debt.  If I didn't have the debt then I'd be supporting myself.

And I have good friends.  And I should just be happy.

But right now, I'm just not.  And I'll probably feel better in the morning.  But it's hard to stop the thoughts that just roll around in my head.  Day after day.  All the time.

And I'll take a deep breath, and it'll all be fine.

Right?

Starting over

I've come to a conclusion: No one else is going to try to make me happier.

This may seem obvious to... well, everyone. But this is new to me. I'm not particularly unhappy in most of the aspects of my life. There is definitely room for improvement in every part, but I'm not hanging off a ledge by my fingernails or anything. I just think there's space to grow.

I should probably start from the statement that I'm currently reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. This is partially because it was recommended to me by someone I trust on the subject of books, and partially because I knew I wanted to make some kind of change in my life. I just wasn't clear on what that change should be all about.

I've been trying to make a work-related change for a while now. This is not news. It's just a tough market, and I'm not particularly skilled at anything beyond being a glorified administrative assistant or a quality control lab technician at this point. And neither of these things seem like the way to make my work life happier. So I've been trying to expand my search. And I think in the interim, during the time that I'm waiting for all those companies to start banging down my door, clamoring for me to come and work for them, I should try to be happier where I am.

Which is not precisely what I'm going to do. I'm going to concentrate, instead, on making every other part of my life more fulfilling, in an effort to counterbalance the misery of my current job.

Make sense?

I haven't yet come up for a plan for this but the book is giving me great ideas. I know I need to keep in better contact with the my friends - strengthen the relationships, because people with stronger social bonds tend to be happier. I also know that I need to take better care of myself - get more sleep, exercise more, eat better; even simple things like remembering to wash my face before I go to bed. And I know that I need to eliminate clutter. I live amidst organized chaos, and it's not particularly peaceful, or settling. And definitely not happy-making.

So those are the three current goals. Maybe by the end of this particular bout of self-discovery I'll actually be able to be outwardly optimistic, still keeping my inward pessimism, instead of being outwardly pessimistic with a hint of optimism.

Wow...

Okay, so I'm obviously being a slacker with this blog lately. Mostly because there's not a whole lot to say.

Financially, things are basically the same. I have to be really careful with everything I spend. I do have amazing friends, who are making things easier by figuring out plans for me. Like the friend who has decided that she's going to come to my other friend's wedding in Vegas, because she knows a travel agent and we'll maybe get a better deal, and well for me, if I'm splitting a hotel room that makes it cheaper. So amazing!!

I also have amazing parents. I lost my Ipod Touch just over a week ago, and was kind of depressed about it. I have no idea where it got lost; I swore it was in my purse and then it wasn't and it's just gone. But my parents replaced it. I didn't ask them to. In fact, I said I didn't want them to because I already owe them a lot, but they did and I very much appreciate it, because I was feeling very lost without it. It's amazing how attached we get to our technology.

Otherwise there's really nothing going on. NKOTBSB released a single this week. It's pretty awesome. So I'm looking forward to the tour even more now. And another friend pre-ordered the album for me, for my birthday, so that's exciting.

On the job front, there's nothing new. I'm still struggling to control my frustrations, and the changes that it makes in my personality are not pleasing, but for now, it's a paycheck and I just have to suck it up. Everyone isn't always happy. I just have to deal with that. I should be grateful I have a job. I know. But that's precisely all it is. A job. There is nothing else it can be. As everyone tells me, the next best thing will come. And I know that. Everything happens for a reason. I'll survive. Hardship makes you stronger, right? It'll make me more appreciative in the future.

Right now, I'm just being grateful for my friends and my family and my books that allow to escape on a regular basis.

It's March

There are so many reasons why this is bad, not the least of which is that it means my birthday is almost upon us. I'm not anti-birthday, I'm not afraid of getting older, but I dislike realizing that I'm starting another year in an unhappy place. I'm just not at the place in my life that I'd like to be at the age that I am.

I know that's really all on me. It's not anyone else's fault. And at some points in the last month I thought I was making changes. Unfortunately, those things didn't come to fruition. And I'm still working on it. But my birthday often becomes an excuse for me to wallow in the unhappiness that I try to ignore every other moment.

I don't know, maybe I'm just overly sensitive about the whole thing. But I watch friends, and others, moving ahead with their lives, and then I see mine, seemingly stagnant and it's frustrating. I don't think I'm any less worthy of the good, nor do I think I work any less at trying to make my life better. And yet, here I sit. And there's nothing particularly wrong with where I am, it's just not where I'd like to be.

And on that note, the melancholy sets in, and I'll spend the rest of the night mulling it all over, and trying to think my way out of it.

I thought...

I don't really know what I thought. That my life was getting better. That things were changing. That... oh hell, I don't know.

Everything is always so melancholy for me. I shouldn't complain. There's nothing really bad. There's just nothing really good either. And so, the melancholy.

And for some reason, I thought there was something different happening this week. And here I am today, in the same place I was last week. And wishing things were different. And not knowing how to make that happen when everything relies on other people. I can only make so many changes for myself. And there's the complaining again.

And so I'll stop talking. And I'll wish that I could stop thinking. Just for a little while.

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