Thursday, September 1, 2011

Thinking and thoughts

I'm tired.  In both the literal and figurative sense.

I'm finding it hard to be at work, and watch other people come and go, and to still be there. It makes me think that I'm stuck.  In a rut maybe.  Or that my destiny is to be there.  Forever.   Or that I'm not worthy of anything better.  And that's just depressing.  And then I fall into self-pity mode.   And that's not healthy.  I know it.  But I can't seem to stop it.  It's just there, right in front of me.  This horrible dread that just sits there, taunting me, saying I can't do any better than what I'm doing right now.

And I know this is a horrible way to feel.  I should be grateful for what I have: a steady job, with good benefits, and people that I don't hate working with.  And I manage to almost, kind of, support myself.  Even though I've got debt.  If I didn't have the debt then I'd be supporting myself.

And I have good friends.  And I should just be happy.

But right now, I'm just not.  And I'll probably feel better in the morning.  But it's hard to stop the thoughts that just roll around in my head.  Day after day.  All the time.

And I'll take a deep breath, and it'll all be fine.


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