I may be losing my mind (re: TSwizzle)

It's a Taylor Swift song, and I actually like it.  Not just tolerate-it-because-it's-catchy-and-it-gets-stuck-in-my-head-for-hours-at-a-time, but actually like it.

I'm afraid for my sanity.  Seriously.

As of this moment, I have been in the same position for slightly more than 9 years.  In that time, I have seen 3 full-time Program Coordinators (my "companion" position in the office) and 18 co-op students (mostly University, one College and a couple of high school) rotate in, and back out, of the office.

This could indicate several things: 1) that I'm loyal and not given to floating in and out of things, 2) that I'm in a rut that I can't get out of.  Mostly, it means that every 4 months I have to retrain the only other person in my office.  And by the time most of them are actually useful as support in the position, they leave.  And the process starts all over again.  The few who have stuck around, stay long enough for me to get into a comfortable synchronicity with them before they go and leave me to the pattern again.

I'm tired.  And I dread going to work.  And I think what I said above is the main reason for both things.  I'm in a constant state of uncomfortableness with the newest additions and they're never around long enough to get out of it.  I've got no one I can rely on, to know that if I'm off one day, they'll pick up the slack.  I have no peer.  It's lonely.  And frustrating, because I'm also mostly surrounded by people who only kind of get it.  It's not that I physically have too much to do, though I can't say that I don't hate having to do parts of the Program Coordinator job as well as my own, but it's mentalling taxing having to adjust to and remember what these new people do and don't know all the time.  Trying not to expect too much at the beginning, or expect too little later on.  I don't know how to keep straight where they are at any given moment in time.

And I want them to ask questions when they don't know something, but I often feel as if I'm always answering the same questions.  It's not usually their fault; I just can't remember who has asked what, or when.

Like I said, I'm tired.   Part of me is proud that I've managed to weather all the crap that's been ongoing in the job for the past 9 years.  Another part of me is screaming "Why won't someone just help me get out?!"  But it's all mental, right?  Take a few deep breaths.  Remember that it's not the co-ops fault that they're here and they're learning, and try not to snap their heads off.  Eventually I will get my due.

Or maybe this is it.

*raspberry*

I was going to do a post called FML today.  But part of why that was valid, made it less so by the time I got home, so I didn't.

So, I have a black sweater...  Or better put, I HAD a black sweater.  I wear it a lot, because it's cold where I work. And it's a black sweater so it goes with everything.  Just a cute little top layer.  Anyway, I wore it yesterday.  And I took it off when I was leaving work because it was warmer outside and I was going to the chiropractor.  And somewhere between work, the chiropractor and home the sweater has disappeared.  Literally.  It's nowhere to be found.  It didn't go into the Chiro office with me, as far as I know.  So that leaves the car. And it's not in the car.  And it's not home.  And it's not at work.

Anyway, my day totally sucked at work, and I decided that I really needed to have a little black sweater and a couple of places have some kick-ass sales so I might be able to find a replacement relatively cheaply.   And so a little retail therapy.  The problem is that my job causes me to need the retail therapy, but doesn't really pay me enough to support the need for retail therapy.  That sucks!!!  And so, instead I end up eating and totally sabotaging any weight loss effort I've been putting in.

And now, I've talked myself back into the FML stage.  So to continue the venting.  This entire week I've been gradually receiving all the little jobs that used to be my coworkers...  so I am officially doing a job and a half, and still not being paid enough to equate one of them.  And my boss fluctuates between talking about how busy we are and they may not let her replace my former coworker, and continuing to add new programs and things that take up even more time...  And I can't even continue because it makes me angry.

Grrr...

Add insult to injury (actually injury to insult...)

So it's not bad enough that I'm feeling all emotional and depressed, I go to the chiropractor today and apparently the emotion and depression is settling into my back and f*&%ing me right up.  UGH!  So now I have a bunch of exercises that I need to do at least 3 or 4 times a day at work to stretch myself out, and hopefully make the emotion stop settling where it's settling.

Life just keeps compounding on itself, doesn't it!?

Holy Cow! I suck!

Just a quick post to say that I had no idea it had been quite so long since I'd posted on this blog.  I am horrible at blogging!!

I really need to start putting my thoughts in here, instead of just ranting away to myself, and my cat.  Because I don't think she really cares, and I just make myself angrier.

Google +

Okay, so I like the idea.  The concept is good.

But I don't like that they are forcing me to put my full real name out there for all the world.  I like my privacy.  I share what I want, with who I want.  I prefer to be known by my initial. It's not a crime.  I don't share my location, I don't share my workplace. I'm trying to protect myself, and my identity.   I'm trying to avoid crazy cyber-stalker types.  I should be allowed to do that.   I don't necessarily want any person who knows my name to be able to find me online.  If I want them to find me, I'll let them know how.  This should be my right.

Google people are you listening?  I should be allowed to share only the information I want online.  You shouldn't be able to force me to allow everyone to see my whole name.  If you want to know my full name fine.  But I should be able to be present on my blog, and on my google+ page with just a common, comfortable nickname.

Got it?!

Random lamentation

I lament the days past when I had millions of ideas, when I could sit down and write a story in an afternoon.  I miss the feeling of finding a conclusion to a story that wanted to be told.

But now, I find that while the ideas are there, they struggle to reach the surface.  And rarely to they reach any kind of climax or conclusion.  They just putter around in my brain, waving, teasing, making me think they'll come to play.  Unless they're lucky enough to escape through the pen, and even then, they don't seem to find an ending.

A hundred voices, screaming to be heard through ink and reality, but never to reach their destiny between the pages of a book.

Really?

Why must marketing to one demographic mean the alienation of all others?

Case in point: I can't be the only person who thinks the Potty Dance commercials are the most annoying ads ever.  And while I freely admit that I have no children, nor do I feel like I ever want any, I just can't see how those ads entice parents to buy a particular type of diaper. (Please note that I don't even know what brand of diaper they're advertising - not doing a very good job of name recognition, are they?)

Personally, I would probably intentionally not buy that brand, hoping that they'd realize it was a stupid marketing concept and take it off the air.  I wouldn't hold my breath, but I would hope.  Maybe they'd try a new concept.

But maybe I'm just different.  Maybe no one else thinks this way.

How would I know?  I'm just me.

Can anyone see me!?!?

I felt totally overlooked all day today.  Like that chair that you know is in a room, but you don't really give much thought to, unless it's in your way?  I don't really know what the deal was.  It was just a really ooky feeling, and it made me angry.

And I'm feeling like a pity-party is coming on, so the rest of this week has to go by pretty quick, because the pity-party can't hit until the weekend.  Once I'm holed up inside my own place then I can feel sorry for myself.  But it's very difficult when you're dealing with customers and co-workers to deal with the pity.

In other news, I heard on the radio this afternoon that Leslie Carter died.  The sister of Nick and Aaron Carter.  She was only 25.  And she had a 10month old daughter.  It's just so sad.  That family, despite the fame, or possibly because of it, has not had a good luck.

This video isn't particularly apropos, but other than the House of Carters reality show, it's the only thing I can find for Leslie.  Besides, it's cute.  So why shouldn't she be remembered, at least partially for something fun. (Also, the quality really sucks.)  This was how I first heard of Leslie Carter.

And so it goes....

No go on the interview.  Apparently they short-listed a few people who were a "better fit."

I have no idea what that means.

I should be getting really used to rejection.

I guess all that's left to do is keep trying.  Something will come up eventually.

Grocery store pet peeve

Am I the only person who understands that if you sample the produce (bulk items, candy) at a grocery store, then you are in fact costing yourself more in the long run?

Stores have to count that as a loss, when things go "missing", and then have to raise prices to make up for that loss.

I understand that most of that stuff looks oh so tempting and tasty out there where it's easily attainable, but can't you wait until you've paid?  Really?  Are you that starving that you need to have it now!?

I just don't get it.  It would never occur to me to eat something before I had purchased it.  It doesn't make sense.  I don't own it, I can't eat it.  Doesn't that make sense to anyone else?

:(

Burned my thumb on a cookie sheet.  Hard to type, but easy to click, so I'm watching things that make me smile.

Like this:

I should also say that today is the start of NaNoWriMo, and I can't keep my hand out of frozen cold water long enough to make my word count.  And I have ideas!  Finally a Nano when I have something to write about.

This sucks!!!

and repeat...

Another interview for another part-time job this afternoon.  *shrug*  Kind of torn now.  Don't know which one I'd prefer.  Which, since I haven't been offered either is kind of a moot point, I realize, but I hope that something comes out of one of these.  That would be nice.  A little less stress in the form of budget ease would be lovely.  Especially coming up to Christmas.

Beyond that nothing is happening.  Life is dull.  And that's mostly because of the budget stress.

I do get to go see Nick Carter on Thursday.  That's exciting.  But also stressful, because I still owe my friend for the ticket.  And I have to pay for gas to get there.  *sigh*  It all comes down to that, doesn't it?

Confused

If a place can only hire you if you have a certain availability, and they've known what your actual availability is from the first time they called you, but they've continued to pass you through interviews to the next stage, does that make them ridiculous?  Or does it make it positive because they're planning to be flexible for you?

Or does it just make it all a waste of time?

*sigh*

No go on the job.  They're going with internal candidates.  Which makes a lot of people ask: if they were going to go with internal candidates why did they post externally?  I think it's a case of not knowing that there were going to be internal candidates (it's a small organization) and so they posted externally and just happened to get internals that were actually qualified.  Also, they might have been trying to deepen the pool.  To make sure that they didn't just hire internally when someone more qualified might be out there.  

Anyway, it does seem like they've wasted a few people's time.  Mine included.  But they were very positive about the whole thing.  I was very qualified and came across well and it was a pleasure to meet me and blah blah blah.  

I don't know, it's never very reassuring when they're telling you to go away, at the same time as all the positive thoughts.  Oh well.  Something else will come along, right?

Huh?

Job interview today:

At the end, one of the two interviewers tells me that there were 107 applicants for the position, some of them very qualified and that I should be pleased to have gotten an interview.

I'm not sure how to take that.  Does it mean thanks but not thanks.  Or is it purely informational.

There's no next step.  Interview is done, and now I wait.  But I wait with a very puzzled look on my face.

I don't understand.

Wow, check out the controversy that is me!

I recently made the "mistake" of posting an opinion on twitter about a movie that I'd seen the trailer for on TV all night.  My opinion was based erroneously, I found out after that, when numerous people attacked me for it.  One person calmly pointed out that I was wrong.  That person turned out the be the movie's director.  I then went and checked out a longer version of the trailer for said movie.  I was definitely wrong.  I apologized for my error.

Somehow this is not good enough for one person.  This person is having issues with the fact that I'm calling my tweet an opinion.  Below is the dictionary definition of opinion:
1. a belief or judgement that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.
2. a personal view, attitude or appraisal.

I'm not sure how what I posted doesn't count as an opinion, based on the one TV trailer that I had repeatedly seen that night.  And I'm frustrated by this person, who seems to think I have it out for this movie.  I was posting what I thought.  I'm still allowed to do that, right?  And I did apologize and correct myself upon realizing I was wrong.  And the director of the flipping movie is fine with me.  Even had more discussion afterwards.

I don't get it.  First, I don't understand why this guy really cares.  Is he in the movie?  Is this somehow personal to him?  I just don't get it.

But I think I'm over it.  I just needed to explain myself somewhere.  And Twitter doesn't let me use enough words.

BTW: you can follow me on Twitter.  Apparently, I say controversial things. *shrug*

limadastar on Twitter

My strange addiction

Okay, so it's not really that strange.  I am addicted to shoes.  I love them.  I love how high heels look, how cute they are, all the fun colours they come in. But, for the most part, I don't really want to wear them.  I would really just live in my Skechers.

This is really how my brain works.  I want to own the pretty shoes, I want to possess them, I want to make them mine but I don't really want to wear them anywhere, because they're never as comfortable as my Skechers.  Any of my Skechers actually, since I own multiple styles of them.

I own a decent number of heels too.  All different brands, different colours, different styles.  But I still look at them and love them and want to wear them.  And then I go for flats.

I'm just not willing to choose style over comfort.

The reason for this rant?  My newest acquisitions (Damn Payless and their BOGO events.)

I actually went in to replace the pair that I'd been wearing all day, because they were sorely in need of replacement.  So it's all my own fault.  (And that damn BOGO.)   One positive is that I did have enough willpower to stop at 2 pairs.  I seriously fell in love with about 8 different styles.

I really like the black patents.  They're the pair that works as the replacement.  They're simple, but the patent makes them a little more fun.  And it makes them look less like just plain black shoes.  Besides, who doesn't love black patent shoes?!?  Am I right?

The other ones, well, I just like them.  They're fun.  And not quite black.  They're really a dark gun metal-like grey.  So different.

The other weird part is that these are "skinny" heels.  I'm usually firmly against skinny heels.  Obviously, they're not stilettos, but they are definitely thinner and taller than I would normally buy.  But I was completely comfortable in them.  The heels anyway, the shoes will take a little working in, but I tried them on at the end of the day after wearing heels all day, so they should be perfectly fine.

So yey.  Pretty new shoes for me.  To go with the pretty new pants I bought yesterday.

Ya, sticking to that budget really well, aren't I?

In my defense, I needed pants to replace the ones that I can no longer wear, and needed shoes to replace the ones that were broken.  Both the pants and the shoes that were replaced have already been disposed of.

Ugh! *with a nose crinkle*

I had to put up a new shower curtain today. My old one (the plastic, inside part) had mold on it. This dates back to when I was lazy and didn't open the curtain back up to close off the shower after I'd been in it. So I decided it was time to either clean it, or replace it.

Being lazy, I chose replace. But now I have to deal with that toxic, gross, plastic smell. Probably for at least a week. I hate that smell. I don't know how to deal with that smell. You can't cover it up. It just hangs there in that tiny space of a room, and waits for you. Saying "hello, I'm a new plastic shower curtain over here, don't you love me yet?" And you just want to scream "NO!" and run from the room.

It's awful. And I know this post is as well, but seriously, I needed to vent about the curtain.

Besides the smell, I really liked my old shower curtain. I had double fun curtains. But the new inside one is just plain. And so, kind of boring. It makes me sad.