Wrap it up 2019

I didn't do a formal year-end wrap-up post this year due to... well, things. I have some pretty severely mixed feelings about the start of a new year. In the last couple of months, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on life, and I guess now, is the moment I've chosen the share some of that.

My year started out pretty great, actually, with a new opportunity that took away a significant portion of what had been my most recent stress. I was reintroduced to the stress of change, but I hadn't been without that for very long, so it wasn't a big reunion. Since February, I've been settling into the new opportunity and have been grateful for it nearly every single day.

Especially when August came. And the steep downhill slope of the roller coaster that was 2019. I've always thought of my life as a kiddie coaster - I never really had serious ups and downs, just the slow rolling hills that they put the kids on. That's good - I don't really enjoy roller coasters anyway. But 2019, well it seems a bit like the loopiest and steepest coaster that I've ever encountered. So far.

So as I start the slow ascent from the lowest dip in the coaster that I've experienced in my 40-some years I reflect on how gradual the decline to that low really was, before the sudden up in February and the plunge in August.

I didn't really want to start a new year. There's a significant missing piece of my life that won't ever see 2020, and a part of me didn't want to see it either if that was the case. But life goes on. And I know there will be more ups and downs. That's how life works. But I look forward, right now, to just going back to my normal, plateau of a roller coaster.  Little ups, little downs, but overall pretty uneventful. Right now, I don't think I can take a whole lot more than that. No excitement, and no devastation.  Just life.

In my reflection, the only resolution I've come up with is that I want to be kinder this year. Mostly to myself, because I am my own harshest critic. I judge my reactions, my thoughts, my actions much more harshly than I do anyone else's. And I relive them in my head, thinking about how to fix them. But they're over and I can't fix them, so why not be a bit more gentle. And in so doing, be more gentle in the world in general. Because the world can use a bit more kindness and gentility. And I don't want to waste any more of my time here beating myself, or anyone else, up in any way.

Finding the way

For as long as I can remember, I've had this dream, no... goal, to be a writer.   I want to write a novel - to actually finish writing a novel.   I've written a lot over the years, and I can't seem to find that perfect thing to write that actually gets me to the end.   And it makes me wonder if that's actually ever been a realistic dream for me. Am I even capable of completing something like that?  Has it been stupid to hold on to that for so long?

*insert heavy sigh*

It's hard to re-evaluate dreams you've been holding since childhood.  And I don't think this one needs to be completely abandoned, but I don't think I have any idea how to move forward with it.

So here's the thing...

I didn't have a great year last year.   I had a lot of disappointments - mostly in myself, and the way I handled the year.   Which is why I did not do my normal end of the year wrap up, and then start off the year posts.

I have goals for this year - I absolutely have goals for the year.   But they're a little different than they've been in the past.  This year, I've decided is the year to be aware. 

And so it begins for 2014

Once again I am attempting to write 50,000 words in a novel-like format in the month of November.
In other words NaNoWriMo has begun.

So far, I'm making a valiant effort.  Without a real plan in mind I have managed to almost make my word count yesterday, and write enough bonus words today to balance it out so that I'm actually on track.  Be it on an entirely different plan of attack than Saturday.  *Sigh*  This is what I get for not being a planner.  I like to write by the seat of my pants.  And honestly, starting on Saturday, I thought I had an idea, and then it just didn't really work for me.  So I started again.  And I'm not sure that's really anything either, but there might be a niggling of an idea in there somewhere that might actually allow me to write nearly 2,000 words a day for the next month.

I'm determined to win again.  Hopefully that counts for something.   I'll let you know in December.

Writing it down

They say if you write down goals you have or things you want to accomplish, you are more likely to achieve them.  My current goal is to visit Scotland.

I'd like to take two weeks, rent a car (which I'd then have to drive on the other side. Ack!) And just travel the country, seeing what I saw, and taking my own time. 

So that's my goal.  It's the one thing that I really, really want to do sometime in the not distant future. I've been to Holland for one side of my heritage, and England for a portion of the other, but we're really more Scots than anything since we have a tartan and everything. 

And now it's out in the world.  Lets see how long it takes me to get there.

Deep breaths

So, it's September 1.  Labour day.

For most people, it's not really the start of anything new.  It's not a new year, unless you're a kid going back for the start of a new school year.

I'm taking the opportunity, though I'm not really starting a new year - to call New Year.  It's a fresh start.  I'm going to start eating better, begin a new exercise habit, and try to keep a neater house.  I didn't get everything accomplished yesterday that I wanted to start this way, but maybe it's part of the process to get myself to that place.  I need to re-organize a few things, and get rid of some junk food that it's the house, but I'm starting with a different mind-set and that's important.

I don't have explicit goals to put down here - I just want to improve.  I want to make myself better, which in turn might make my life better.   Control what I can in a way, since I have no control over certain other aspects of my life. If I make myself feel more in control of what I can control, I'll probably be happier.  And maybe I'll feel less like I have no direction.

Say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out. Honestly...

purging

I've begun to purge things that I no longer feel like keeping.  The problem in this, is that I also feel the need to look at it all, and then I get nostalgic and then I don't want to get rid of it anymore.  I have to make myself realize that having a memory to go along with some piece of something doesn't mean that I have to forever keep that particular piece of something.

But most of what I keep isn't of any particular use or value to anyone but me, so I kind of feel like getting rid of it devalues it.  And it's not got a whole lot of value to start with.  So then I feel pity for the poor item of whatever it is, and it goes back into it's box, or bag or wherever it came from and goes back under the bed (or on the shelf, or whatever.)

Purging feels good though, once I convince myself that's it's time.   So far, a huge stack of magazines have gone.  Ones that once were adorable, or cute, but are now just trite and useless.  And so, they sit in a garbage bag in the hallway.  Too heavy for me to lift in their current form, so I'll have to rebag them.

I hit the boxes of baseball paraphernalia most recently though, and I'm having trouble.  I don't want to get rid of any of it. I haven't seen any of it in so long, and a lot of it was stored out of the fear that I would never seen the old logo again.  But it's mostly back.  I really need to go through the box more objectively and realize that I just need to keep things that are particularly useful.  Or important to me.  Autographed things, or game used balls, or bats.  Maybe by morning, I'll have gotten that through my head.   That's my next step.

The goal is to make space for storage that I desperately need.  And I will do it.  I have plans, and I feel the urge to purge.  And it rhymes, so it has to work, right?

Perfect! Not even a month

So, I'm told that I don't blog often enough (I believe the thought was that I don't blog often enough for particular people to spy on me, but that's okay - at least I know somebody cares)  And now, here it is December 31, 2012 - the last day of the year, so it's time for the year-end wrap up.

And really, in the basest sense, this year was really the same as the last.  I'm at the same job, I live in the same place, I know the same people.  I watched another friend get married in September (third in a row for that one) and well... nothing really changes.

I think this year should be different.  Something has to change eventually right?

I'm signed up to take a continuing ed course at the local college to improve my knowledge base and maybe help in the ongoing job search.  I'm planning to continue my attempt at self-improvement with being more fit, and I want to be just a better person in general.  Less cynical, more optimistic.  Just better.

I need to read more, watch TV less.  Be less concerned that I'm being a bother to other people, be more confident.  Be more me without worrying what other people think.  I want to be more intelligent - not in a snooty way, I just want to use my brain more.  Be more productive.  For myself and society.  Maybe I should do something charitable.

There's a lot that I could do to make myself better.  But I think I need to sit down and  be more organized, in general.  Get rid of clutter, in my place, my life, my brain.  There's so much that could help.

I don't think I'll do my first of the year post this year.  This one has pretty much covered everything.  I'm going to blog more though, so maybe that will make up for no January 1 post.  And maybe I'll be less worried about what I'm writing here.  It should be what I'm thinking right?  Not in a mean way, and not in a way that I wouldn't post if it wasn't so anonymous, just in a less concerned that I'm being judged way.  Just to be more real.

And with that, my 2013 New Year resolutions:
1) blog more
2) save more/budget better
3) be more fit

And on that note, I think I'm done.

Happy New Year!

Trying to keep up with my life

There's not really a lot to keep up with - as in not a whole lot has happened - I just have trouble remembering to document anything that does happen.

Let's see.... since my last post, what's happened.  *crickets*

That's what I thought.

My dad and I walked in the Father's Day Walk/Run for Prostate Cancer Canada.  It was held, aptly, on Father's Day.  My mom was supposed to walk as well, but after a health scare earlier in the week, we basically told her she wasn't allowed to and dad and I continued on without her, while she performed as photographer for us.  Together, we all raised just over $1,400 and dad and I finished the walk in just under an hour, about 10 minutes faster than last year.  We all say we're going to continue doing this particular 5k walk for as long as we are physically able.  Which means, somewhere down the line, I will be walking alone...

I'm going to see Corey Hart perform live next weekend.  To most, this would not be exciting.  To me, it's a childhood dream.  Corey Hart was my first ever celebrity crush.  It began at the age of 8.  And because I was so young, I have never had the opportunity to see him live.  On my list of dream concerts, he's always been there, but toward the bottom of the list because he doesn't do music anymore.  He retired from touring and making records to raise his children. Which I can totally respect. It's definitely a valid choice.  It just made me sad that I would never have the opportunity.  Until now.  Apparently, some local(ish) DJ approached him to remix one of his songs, and Corey said yes.  And it's now become a kind of Pride anthem, so he's performing as part of the Pride Festival.  Which y'know, is a little odd, given that he's straight and all, but that's okay.  I'm going to see Corey Hart live!  And I don't have any issues with going to Pride to do it.  I've been at Pride for much less of a reason than that before.

The next day, my friend and I are heading to Niagara Falls because she hasn't been in a very long time and would like to do a few of the touristy things.  She's coming with me to the concert, so it's a perfect way to combine the two things.  And we're both on vacation starting that week so it's perfect!  It should be a good few days.  So excited!!

In other updates:
I've begun going to a chiropractor, and I feel pretty good about it.  I was having muscle issues in my right shoulder blade area and had been having recurring headaches that I could not get to go away.  Since seeing the chiropractor I've had only one headache, and I think that it was caused by the adjustment and my body adjusting to the new position.  Otherwise I've been doing really well.  She's given me some exercises to do on my own as well, and those are also very helpful.

My weight loss goals are not going as well as I had hoped - I'm stuck at about 12 pounds lost - but I do feel healthier.  I feel good about myself knowing that I'm being more active.  And maybe my metabolism will at some point realize that I'm not going to stop walking and get itself in gear.  There's no reason for it to be sluggish.  I'm not starving to death, clearly.

I have a "face-to-face" for what could be a very interesting job opportunity on Wednesday.  Part of me is freaking out because of the circumstances that make it interesting, and part of me is being very passive.  Shrugging my shoulders and saying "Eh.  Whatever happens, happens."  It's a weird situation for me.  I'm generally quite high-strung about prospective job stuff.  I desperately want to find something new, and it's a very bad idea to let a prospective employer know that you want it desperately.  So perhaps this will go better because I don't have that same feeling.

Some days I feel kind of like I'm drowning in the non-ness of my life.  (Yes, I just made up that word.)  I don't really do anything much, but I feel like I have no time to do anything, because I never get anything accomplished.  It's a bit scarey.  I'm hoping that maybe I can change my attitude a little if I change some of my current situations.  I need to make changes, I think my psyche is scared that I'll end up somewhere worse than I am now.  I'm too comfortable here.  Even though I'm not really comfortable at all.  But change is stressful, and worrisome, and who needs that?  Every one does.  I know.  I just have to get myself comfortable with the idea of change, so that I'm a bit more willing to take a risk.  And hopefully the right risk will present itself soon, while I've got myself in the right brain-place to take advantage of it.

Wow, it's been a while...

And really, is anyone surprised?  I have this bad tendency to avoid blogging.  Like if I don't put the boredom that is my life into written words, then it's not actually as boring as I think it is.  I don't think it's working.  Clearly, my life is dull.

Lately, I have been decluttering.  Well, sort of.  I had this past week off (because my birthday was Wednesday, and who wants to take off just a Wednesday - I refuse to be at work on my birthday - so I took off the whole week)  and I spent most of it spring cleaning.  The weather was great, I had windows open, and I completely rearranged my spare bedroom.  It's set up much better for my use now.  Whether or not it's better for when I have guests is beside the point.  I made a corner of it into an actual "office" type space, with the bookshelves and desk all forming their own little cubicle.  And then there's the spare bed on the opposite wall.  Or, maybe I should call it the cat bed.  She spends more time on it than any guests.  I still have a lot of stuff to put away, but I want to do it in bits, so that I can get rid of stuff.

I don't know... I feel better about the reorganization, but it just means that I have a lot of junk.  Which I already knew, but it reinforced it.

I still need to finish cleaning the main living areas.  They've been seriously tidied (It's amazing how much bigger a space looks without junk everywhere), but the floors need help.  I was waiting to do all the floors at the same time, but unfortunately, the spare room is not going to be ready.  I guess the vacuum comes out tomorrow.  And the mop.  Hopefully that'll take care of everything.

I'll probably feel very accomplished when it's done.  Right now, I just feel like going back to bed and avoiding it.

NaNoWriMo

I'm crazy.

That's the only explanation.

I am once again signed up for something that I have never yet managed to accomplish.

I'm insane, right?  Because not only have I never managed to do it in the past, this year I'm trying to have an extra job, too.  That's nuts, right?

Somebody tell me I'm not stupid.  Or insane.

I may panic soon.

NaNoWriMo starts on Tuesday.  I have ideas, but is it enough of an idea for a 50,000 word novel?

*shaking my head*  Crazy, I tell you.

http://www.nanowrimo.org

and repeat...

Another interview for another part-time job this afternoon.  *shrug*  Kind of torn now.  Don't know which one I'd prefer.  Which, since I haven't been offered either is kind of a moot point, I realize, but I hope that something comes out of one of these.  That would be nice.  A little less stress in the form of budget ease would be lovely.  Especially coming up to Christmas.

Beyond that nothing is happening.  Life is dull.  And that's mostly because of the budget stress.

I do get to go see Nick Carter on Thursday.  That's exciting.  But also stressful, because I still owe my friend for the ticket.  And I have to pay for gas to get there.  *sigh*  It all comes down to that, doesn't it?

Motivation

I bought a new calendar yesterday, and markers and some cute stickers.  I am going to use these to create my own "happiness project".   I'll put the stickers on the calendar when I do certain things, like blog, or exercise, and it'll be a way to keep myself accountable, because I'll be able to see whether I'm actually doing what I say I'm doing.  It seems kind of silly. but I think it might be the way for me to actually motivate myself.

And I need to make sure I'm motivated to the weight loss goal this time.  I'm not going to let time go by and say "Oh, I wish I'd... "  because I do that a lot.  I can keep to almost any goal that someone else sets for me because I'm a people pleaser in most cases, but I let myself down a lot.  And I need to stop doing that.

I should probably do a little self-analysis to figure out why I feel like I'm self-sabotaging.  That would probably be useful.  But I'm hoping that as I go through this process that maybe I'll find the doing of these things rewarding enough that I don't feel like that anymore, and I won't have to figure out why I did it in the first place.

When will the effort pay off?

I'm trying, really I am. 

Trying to get a new job.  Putting in as many resumes as I can find jobs to apply to.  Even part time.  And temporary positions.

I have to keep trying to stay positive.  But it's frustrating.

I understand that a lot of people are going through this at the moment.  It's just the climate of the economy.  And I should be grateful that I'm one of the people who still have a job while I'm searching.  This, I know.

My issues really come from watching people come and go from where I am, and I still sit there.  And some of these people are my friends.  And I've watched them leave (some in entirely bad circumstances) and eventually find positions that make them happy.  They've made changes in their lives based on that change, and they're doing well.   And I'm watching my life stay the same.  Partly because I'm afraid to take a risk, because I like the relative security of what I have.  And partly because I just don't know what else to do.  I can't make people see that I should be part of their organization.  I can't make up skills that I don't have, or convince people that I can do things that they don't see that I can do.  I just don't sell myself well enough for that.

I guess I should learn.  Add that to the list of things that I need to put more effort into.

Trying something new

I want to blog.  Really I do.  But often I find that while I want to write, I don't really have anything worth spending the time writing, or that anyone would likely spend the time writing.  And I acknowledge that I am not actually writing for anyone but myself, but it seems so silly to do something publicly if it's not something that deserves to be public.

Anyway, I'm trying to plan ways to make myself a more fulfilled blogger.  I like words, and I like to use words to express myself.  I just need a topic on which to expand.  And so, that brings me to my something new.

I want to plan a theme (for lack of a better word) for each day of the week.  I may never share what the pattern is, and it may never seem obvious to anyone but me, but that doesn't really matter.  It's really just meant to act as a prompt for me; to give me a reason or an excuse to write something.  Anything.  For example, I'm labelling today (though not necessarily every Monday) Motivational Monday, because this post is about motivating myself.

See what I'm doing there?  It may work, if I can come up with the right particular framing for each day of the week.  Part of the issue is, as always, giving myself permission to stop whatever I happen to be doing at any time and make notes on something I may want to write about later.  There are a multitude of things that go through my head in a day, that I could write about, but by the time I get to writing they seem mostly all just wisps of thought.

Hopefully, this will be a way to keep myself more aware of what goes on in and around my life.  I need to be more observant, more aware, more mindful of my life. It seems so much of it just passes me by.  The point of the blog is to at least try to capture some of these moments, or thoughts before they're gone.  Kind of like capturing lightning bugs in a jar.

Starting over

I've come to a conclusion: No one else is going to try to make me happier.

This may seem obvious to... well, everyone. But this is new to me. I'm not particularly unhappy in most of the aspects of my life. There is definitely room for improvement in every part, but I'm not hanging off a ledge by my fingernails or anything. I just think there's space to grow.

I should probably start from the statement that I'm currently reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. This is partially because it was recommended to me by someone I trust on the subject of books, and partially because I knew I wanted to make some kind of change in my life. I just wasn't clear on what that change should be all about.

I've been trying to make a work-related change for a while now. This is not news. It's just a tough market, and I'm not particularly skilled at anything beyond being a glorified administrative assistant or a quality control lab technician at this point. And neither of these things seem like the way to make my work life happier. So I've been trying to expand my search. And I think in the interim, during the time that I'm waiting for all those companies to start banging down my door, clamoring for me to come and work for them, I should try to be happier where I am.

Which is not precisely what I'm going to do. I'm going to concentrate, instead, on making every other part of my life more fulfilling, in an effort to counterbalance the misery of my current job.

Make sense?

I haven't yet come up for a plan for this but the book is giving me great ideas. I know I need to keep in better contact with the my friends - strengthen the relationships, because people with stronger social bonds tend to be happier. I also know that I need to take better care of myself - get more sleep, exercise more, eat better; even simple things like remembering to wash my face before I go to bed. And I know that I need to eliminate clutter. I live amidst organized chaos, and it's not particularly peaceful, or settling. And definitely not happy-making.

So those are the three current goals. Maybe by the end of this particular bout of self-discovery I'll actually be able to be outwardly optimistic, still keeping my inward pessimism, instead of being outwardly pessimistic with a hint of optimism.

Something for someone who's not me...

Well, it's kind of for me. But not really. I'm walking in the Father's Day Walk for Prostate Cancer. Please sponsor me.

Thanks. (search for L. Dahm)

Safeway Father’s Day Walk/Run for Prostate Cancer

life

I'm not sure what I'm posting today. No major events in my life, which is not unusual, though is getting highly redundant. Or repetitive. My language skills are off today.

I did manage to consolidate the greater majority of my debt. This is good. One payment instead of 3 is nice. It relieves a lot of stress. And helps with the goal of budgeting. Though now I'm on a tighter budget because I no longer have any credit products. But it's nice to think that I can live actually on the money that I'm bringing in, instead of putting it on a card. Which is stupid, because even when I had the cards I could have done that. I just wasn't forced to the way that I am now.

So, my forms of entertainment, now that I'm living on a major budget, are: reading the books I already own, watching the cable that I already pay for, using the internet that I already pay for, exercising using the DVDs and equipment that I already own, and cleaning. These are all things that relate to my resolutions, so this is good. Everything comes together sometimes.

Now, if only I could work out what I'm doing with the rest of my life, instead of being bitter and angry where I am, everything would be great! ; P

SNOW DAY!

So, I've been back at work for 1 week and 2 days, and today, I have a snow day. That's pretty cool. It's kind of like a bonus vacation day. We didn't get as much snow as they were predicting (I don't think we did anyway. Doesn't look like it from here, inside.) However, it was very, very windy this morning, and considering that I have to drive along country highway/road I just really didn't want to get stuck half way between home and work with zero visibility. So I didn't go. Now it's snowing some more, so I'm very glad I didn't go, because who wants to get stuck at work.

Anyway, I'm planning to use the rest of today to do some cleaning. I need to vacuum, and clean up some dishes. That kind of thing. I did already do something productive - I walked 1 mile. Exercise! Isn't that impressive? Anyway, that's on my other blog.

Anyway, it's noon, I need to eat, and then got busy on those chores, that I want to take care of.