Understanding

I understand that we are in a very sensitive time now, - racially, sexually - where we are able to acknowledge and be better than we've been in the past.  Personally, I've always just kind of thought people were people who should be judged on their merits and their behaviour, not on their skin colour, ethnicity, or gender - but what do I know?

Say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out. Honestly...

Motivation

I bought a new calendar yesterday, and markers and some cute stickers.  I am going to use these to create my own "happiness project".   I'll put the stickers on the calendar when I do certain things, like blog, or exercise, and it'll be a way to keep myself accountable, because I'll be able to see whether I'm actually doing what I say I'm doing.  It seems kind of silly. but I think it might be the way for me to actually motivate myself.

And I need to make sure I'm motivated to the weight loss goal this time.  I'm not going to let time go by and say "Oh, I wish I'd... "  because I do that a lot.  I can keep to almost any goal that someone else sets for me because I'm a people pleaser in most cases, but I let myself down a lot.  And I need to stop doing that.

I should probably do a little self-analysis to figure out why I feel like I'm self-sabotaging.  That would probably be useful.  But I'm hoping that as I go through this process that maybe I'll find the doing of these things rewarding enough that I don't feel like that anymore, and I won't have to figure out why I did it in the first place.

Starting over

I've come to a conclusion: No one else is going to try to make me happier.

This may seem obvious to... well, everyone. But this is new to me. I'm not particularly unhappy in most of the aspects of my life. There is definitely room for improvement in every part, but I'm not hanging off a ledge by my fingernails or anything. I just think there's space to grow.

I should probably start from the statement that I'm currently reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. This is partially because it was recommended to me by someone I trust on the subject of books, and partially because I knew I wanted to make some kind of change in my life. I just wasn't clear on what that change should be all about.

I've been trying to make a work-related change for a while now. This is not news. It's just a tough market, and I'm not particularly skilled at anything beyond being a glorified administrative assistant or a quality control lab technician at this point. And neither of these things seem like the way to make my work life happier. So I've been trying to expand my search. And I think in the interim, during the time that I'm waiting for all those companies to start banging down my door, clamoring for me to come and work for them, I should try to be happier where I am.

Which is not precisely what I'm going to do. I'm going to concentrate, instead, on making every other part of my life more fulfilling, in an effort to counterbalance the misery of my current job.

Make sense?

I haven't yet come up for a plan for this but the book is giving me great ideas. I know I need to keep in better contact with the my friends - strengthen the relationships, because people with stronger social bonds tend to be happier. I also know that I need to take better care of myself - get more sleep, exercise more, eat better; even simple things like remembering to wash my face before I go to bed. And I know that I need to eliminate clutter. I live amidst organized chaos, and it's not particularly peaceful, or settling. And definitely not happy-making.

So those are the three current goals. Maybe by the end of this particular bout of self-discovery I'll actually be able to be outwardly optimistic, still keeping my inward pessimism, instead of being outwardly pessimistic with a hint of optimism.

I'm not sure what I'm doing...

There are so many things going on around me, I get distracted by all the shiny, niceness for everyone else, and I fail to notice that I have absolutely no idea what's going on in my own life. I know I'm envious of a number of people that I know. I'm also highly not-envious of a few of them. And I know I don't want to be doing the same thing I've been doing for the rest of my life. That is to say that I don't want to just be, and survive. I want to actually DO something. Anything, really, beyond what I've been doing. I just don't know exactly how to kick-start myself into that. It's not that I'm not motivated to change things, but I think part of me is also afraid of change. It may not actually BE better, y'know? So part of me sabotages the part that's actually pushing to make the change.

Plus, my entire life has been in a kind of holding pattern for almost two years, since I found out what was wrong with my hips, and that surgery and recovery time would be involved. I could have made changes, but it would have severely changed the timeline on fixing my physical issues, and I wasn't willing to do that. Part of me regrets that decision too. I could have done part of it, and put off the other part or something. But I didn't. So I have to deal with the decisions that I made. And I have to kick myself in the ass, and do what I need to to make myself happier. That's really the long-term goal. I need to do things that will improve me and that includes so many things: physical, mental, emotional.

The mental might actually be the easiest part, since I took psychology, and I can actually recognize my issues. Putting that knowledge to use to make changes is my problem. I'm lazy. In multiple ways, and I need to start doing something about that too.

So I guess this is, in a way, my manifesto. This is my promise to myself, and my written exclamation... I will change. I will find ways to improve in all the ways listed above. And I will take advantage of the many resources that are available to me.

I can. And I will.