Saturday, January 29, 2011


Not so much a dilemma actually, but a conundrum. Or just confusion.

I have this feeling, that I need to be more spiritual. That I need to pay more attention to the small details in life. That I am, in essence, letting my life slip by, because I concentrate on the things that I don't like, rather than on the things that I should be happy about. And I think I need to do something about that. The problem, or question, is how to do that. What does it mean for me to be more spiritual?

I was raised presbyterian, and we did go to church on a semi-regular basis. At least, until I started figure skating and the competitions were on weekends and we'd be out of town, or just too tired from a late Saturday night to get up to go to church in the morning. Sometimes I think that was probably a bad thing for me. Maybe I'd have a better sense of self, if I had a better sense of what religion is.

But maybe that's just an excuse. I really do know what I believe. And I have a strong sense of how I feel about organized religion. To put it simply, I don't understand the need to gather in order to affirm what you believe in. If I believe something, I believe it, whether or not I get together once a week with people who believe the same thing as me. I also believe that the Bible is a great book of stories, that can give us guidance in how to live life, but that it's not a "rule book" for how to live. I also don't think everything in it is strictly true. How could it be? The stories were passed down for many generations before they were written down and it's been translated so many times that it couldn't possibly be exactly the way it was originally. Have you ever played a game of telephone? Things get changed/re-interpreted. So I choose to believe in it. But not to live as though it's the law.

I've chosen to label myself an agnostic. I believe there is a higher power, but I don't know what that is, nor do I know how much control he/she/it has over how we live our lives. I also think that there probably is a grand scheme, but that there is also a lot of free will. So maybe there are options along the way, but eventually they all lead to the same end? I don't really know. I can't be an atheist because I do believe in something, and I can't, with any conscience consider myself a Presbyterian (though I am technically a full-fledged member of the church) because I'm not sure that I follow the entirety of the beliefs.

Which is where my need for more spirituality comes in. I guess, it's not a need for spirituality in the form of religion, but maybe it's a need to learn more to see where I fit into the grand picture. To figure out if what I believe actually makes sense. So, maybe it's a need for education in a spiritual realm. Maybe I need to read about all the major religions, and the minor ones to find things out. To educate myself. Just to learn. Somewhere in all the writings there has to be something that I could glean from that.

I know, I'm not the first person to have these thoughts. And I'm not the first person to set myself on some kind of journey of self-exploration. But I'm the first me to do this. And that makes it a new experience for me. I don't really where to start, but I do know that I need to do something.

Friday, January 28, 2011

First week down...

... and where do I go from here?

I went back to work this week. After 3 months of lazing about at home, on disability after my surgery. Wow, I may downplay what I do, but it's tiring being at work. And actually having to get up in the morning is completely for the birds. Especially when it's freakin' winter outside, and you have to clean off the car! That's insanity! Why do we put ourselves through this? Oh. Ya. I almost forgot about the paycheck and the needing to live thing.

Anyway, nothing's really changed at work. It's still the same place I remember when I left. Except that well, things changed. Nothing exciting changed. And nothing is really any better, but things changed. And I have to make adjustments for that, which is fine. I'm not afraid of change, nor do I dislike change, assuming that a) I haven't previously suggested making these changes, only to have been turned down, or b) I understand why we're doing things that way. I like reason and logic. And if I don't understand, I have a hard time just doing something because I'm being told that's what I should be doing. I don't know what it is about my brain chemistry, but I just balk at that.

There is some good news, in a world semi-adjacent to mine. One of my friends got a new job, that she really, really wanted. And I'm so excited for her, because she's been looking for something like this that would put her in a position similar. So yey! And well, now I'm thinking it's my turn. All my friends are in places that they like. And somehow I'm still here. And eventually, my world has to become a place that I enjoy right? Because otherwise I'm not sure who I pissed off up in that great expanse of ether to have gotten this lot in life. I'll just keep trying, and something's gotta turn up eventually.

In other good news, which sounds really dorky, my mom told me last night, that somehow she managed to get my grandmother's good china dishes for me. I mentioned years ago, that if there was an opportunity, I'd kind of like to have them, since I don't have good dishes and they'd be a nice thing to have. I never expected that I would ever actually get them. And yet, there are Rubbermaid bins at my mother's house right now with the dishes in them. It's crazy. So now, I have to find a place to store them. And well, I have to plan a dinner party of some kind so that I have some use for them. They're pretty. And not something anyone would ever expect me to actually own, because they're dainty with pink flowers. But they were my grammy's and that just is important.

And now, I think I need to go because "An Idiot Abroad" is on, and I need to concentrate on the stupidity, so that I don't miss anything. :)


Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Officially rejoining the world

I have been home from work for 12 weeks as of today. Well, really, 12 weeks ago today I was in surgery. I had the appointment yesterday that gave me back my life. I'm okay to drive, to go back to work - to rejoin the world. And you know? I don't really want to. I kind of like being in my little coccoon, where I can read, watch television or movies, and only go out when I want to. It's ideal for someone who isn't generally all that fond of the majority of people.

But I guess, since to exist in the world it does require income for things like food, heat, electricity, then I guess I actually do have to make the effort to go back. Or win the lottery. That would work out too.

I think that's it for today. I have today, and the next 3 days, plus the weekend to continue to enjoy my hermit-like lifestyle. I'm going back to my couch in front of the fire with my book. It's a good, cozy place.

Friday, January 7, 2011


I'm currently having a bit of a crisis, mentally.

I've applied for a job. One that I would very much like to at least get an interview for. Part of me believes that I should think positively, and ask everyone I know for their positivity, so that it sends positive vibes out into the world. (IE: "I WILL get an interview, I will do well at the interview, I will get this job!".)

The other part of me doesn't want to get ahead of myself, doesn't want to tell anyone, and doesn't want to even think about it for fear of jinxing it. This part of me is also the part that says "You won't get the job anyway, so why think about it?" and "They've probably already called the people they're going to call, so you're just completely out of luck, nobody will hire you." This is the part of me that has a lot of past experience, as I barely ever get an interview for any job that I've applied for.

All of this is generally followed by "What if I get an interview? I suck at interviews, what if I screw it up, even though it's actually the perfect job for the experience I have?" This part, I know, is self-destructive. And I can only pray that it's not a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What should I be doing? How should I be convincing myself that I actually have a chance? Should I be telling people to cross their fingers for me? I know the negativity is bad, but it's hard to avoid, given past circumstances. How should I handle the internal struggle? Right now, all I do is think positively, and then admonish myself for it, and then go back to passionately hoping for an interview. It's driving me crazy. Well, crazier than I was to start with.

*sigh* I don't know exactly what to do? Any thoughts?

Saturday, January 1, 2011


I started, about an hour ago, to watch the movie "Nine" with Daniel Day Lewis, Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson, Fergie. To say the least, I am confused. I get that he plays a director, who has a wife, and many girlfriends/mistresses. But the random singing puts you in and out of the current scene, and I guess it's supposed to be his subconscious or something, but it's just not flowing at all for me. I will admit to kind of enjoying the burlesque aspect of it, because as a genre it's kind of interesting, but ... I just don't know...

Did anyone see it? Did it make sense? Should I be giving it more of a chance?

Happy new year!

Just a short post to ring in the new year. And confirm that I still plan to keep my resolutions. In fact, the sewing one has already started. And I've already started thinking about the healthier eating. Oh, and when the year turned I was halfway through Gone With The Wind, so that counts as my first book of the year.

So, cheers to 2011. May it bring all the happiness that we're searching for. :)
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