Wrap it up 2019

I didn't do a formal year-end wrap-up post this year due to... well, things. I have some pretty severely mixed feelings about the start of a new year. In the last couple of months, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on life, and I guess now, is the moment I've chosen the share some of that.

My year started out pretty great, actually, with a new opportunity that took away a significant portion of what had been my most recent stress. I was reintroduced to the stress of change, but I hadn't been without that for very long, so it wasn't a big reunion. Since February, I've been settling into the new opportunity and have been grateful for it nearly every single day.

Especially when August came. And the steep downhill slope of the roller coaster that was 2019. I've always thought of my life as a kiddie coaster - I never really had serious ups and downs, just the slow rolling hills that they put the kids on. That's good - I don't really enjoy roller coasters anyway. But 2019, well it seems a bit like the loopiest and steepest coaster that I've ever encountered. So far.

So as I start the slow ascent from the lowest dip in the coaster that I've experienced in my 40-some years I reflect on how gradual the decline to that low really was, before the sudden up in February and the plunge in August.

I didn't really want to start a new year. There's a significant missing piece of my life that won't ever see 2020, and a part of me didn't want to see it either if that was the case. But life goes on. And I know there will be more ups and downs. That's how life works. But I look forward, right now, to just going back to my normal, plateau of a roller coaster.  Little ups, little downs, but overall pretty uneventful. Right now, I don't think I can take a whole lot more than that. No excitement, and no devastation.  Just life.

In my reflection, the only resolution I've come up with is that I want to be kinder this year. Mostly to myself, because I am my own harshest critic. I judge my reactions, my thoughts, my actions much more harshly than I do anyone else's. And I relive them in my head, thinking about how to fix them. But they're over and I can't fix them, so why not be a bit more gentle. And in so doing, be more gentle in the world in general. Because the world can use a bit more kindness and gentility. And I don't want to waste any more of my time here beating myself, or anyone else, up in any way.

Thoughts of a day

Having recently suffered a significant loss in my life, I can't comprehend the people who find it necessary to post annually on the anniversary of a loss about how much they still miss that person.  It seems unnecessary as your grief and loss are your own.  Are they really just looking for further sympathy to carry them through.   Do they feel as if people have forgotten them, and their loved one, and so they need to bring it forward again?  Because the majority of people probably have their own loss to deal with, and in some cases, it may not be a happy reminder for them.

A million different things

I have a million things going through my head right niw.  A million questuons, excuses, reasons.  A million different ways to explain why things are the way they are.  I feel crapoy, like an idiot and stressed out all at the same time and none of it is something that I can talk about.  Not really anyway.  It's either not my story to tell or it's  stuff that makes me seem petty or I don't know... just makes me seem so self involved.  I just don't know what I'm thinking right now or how I'm supposed to be reacting or handling things. 

I should learn to appreciate life for what it is, to express appreciation for the good things and to take the bad less personally, to internalize less.  To let things go.   To breathe and actually live. 

I don't know.  It's a lesson I need to take to heart, but it's been a lesson long in learning and I still don't know if it's sticking.   I need to take things in perspective.  To take them step by step, to laugh, to live and to  keep learning.  Life does not get better because you wish it would.  It gets better because you work at it, and appreciate the good in it.  Always appreciate the good.  It will outweigh the bad if you acknowledge that it's there.

Wish you were here

Often after a TV show that I've watched is cancelled, I will follow the careers of the actors in that show to find out what they go on to do.  Lauren Graham, for example, I watched on Parenthood and try to catch on Ellen every time she's on (Highly recommend this especially - she's hilarious and never says anything useful.  It's just funny.)

Another example: Bethany Joy Lenz played Haley on One Tree Hill.  I've always found her interesting, putting aside the fact that Haley was the character that made the most sense to me on the show.  From the random snippets of interviews that I've seen of her, I have always enjoyed her personality outside the show as well.  She now has this awesomely adorable blog that I'm following. In it's own words "For anyone seduced by nostalgia and inspired by the future, WISH YOU WERE HERE is a little place to rest a while."

It's just the right combination of fashion, beauty, nostalgia and the exactly right amount of snark and personality that I absolutely love it right now.

Edit - 02/04/2018 - the site is called Modern Vintage Life now, still awesome.

2014 Wrap Up

So, this has been an interesting year.  Mostly in the past two months, work-wise, and otherwise, not really at all.  For unforeseen circumstances, I have had added responsibility, and managed to handle it all fairly gracefully, which is both good because it gives me background when applying for new and exciting positions, and bad because I've had to be stuck at the Complex to accomplish it.  I'm still anxious to find a new position for reasons too numerous to list here.  And I hope that I'm not so desperate for something new that it comes across to anyone who chooses to offer me an interview.

How can a girl not love...

Lily Allen.  Seriously!??!

Fail

I tried to do a good thing, a helpful thing.  And it went wrong. 

When I tried to make it better, it got worse.

And isn't that just the way my life seems to work.