Monday, August 20, 2012

And after that...

Pictures from my weekend... the close to only thing (person) that could have salvaged the crap week that I had, and am destined to have again.  And again...

The photo album is available here:  (35 of the best of the 275 photos I took.  Thank goodness for digital - no film processing costs)

My Confession

"... that smile you're wearing
It's a beautiful disguise
It's just something you put on to hide the emptiness inside
And you seem so lonely"

I realized tonight, sometime between listening to music that I love by an artist that I ... well, I won't say love, but something resembling some version of it, and driving home, that I am not as okay with the way my life is, as I may seem to be - To anyone who knows me, and not even to myself. And the worst part is that I don't know why, or how to fix it. There's not so much anything really wrong, it's just that ... well, something's just not right. And I've been rationalizing and reasoning and explaining why it's fine for so long that I almost had myself convinced. Until I hear random song lyrics that have never made me cry before, but somehow now have some strange poignancy, even if the context of the song isn't exactly right.

"Trying to outrun all the memories
But I keep falling down
I keep falling down
And it's like you still got a hold on me
'Cause I keep falling down
I keep falling down"

Maybe it's just a random feeling that something needs to change, if I could figure out how to change it, and some part of me will long for the old, while another part wants to stop looking back and start looking toward something new. Maybe I'm just in a sad place, where anything that seems remotely melancholy is going to hit a chord.

"I confess, everytime I come around
Something's always got you down
And I don't understand why
And if you wanna tell me
I'll be the angel on your shoulder, baby
I'll be the man that you confide in"

Maybe it's just that everyone seems to have that person who they can confide in, share things with, and I don't. Maybe, it's just because I'm thinking about my friends upcoming wedding, and how two of my other friends have gotten married in the past two years, and that some part of me is envious. And maybe it's not a blanket issue that envelopes my whole life; maybe it's just something that will pass, and is only something because I was faced with it today, and seemingly constantly, recently.

"I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with your head
Everytime I look around you're somewhere else instead
I wanna ask you why but everytime I try, you cry"

Maybe this whole thing is just a fleeting moment of non-clarity, of having too much time for my mind to wander, of too much emotion for random reasons. Maybe it doesn't mean anything at all. Maybe it's just me watching something unreachable, and wanting it for myself.

"From the first hit
I saw my world come crashing down
I’ll never forget
How you just blew my mind
My head is spinning
Feel my heart ’bout to explode
I’m overload from the head to toe
Around and round and round we go"

Lyrics from "Heart Without a Home", "Falling Down", My Confession" and "Addicted" - performed by Nick Carter

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Ever notice...

That I post more when I'm having a crappy life?


I was going to do a post called FML today.  But part of why that was valid, made it less so by the time I got home, so I didn't.

So, I have a black sweater...  Or better put, I HAD a black sweater.  I wear it a lot, because it's cold where I work. And it's a black sweater so it goes with everything.  Just a cute little top layer.  Anyway, I wore it yesterday.  And I took it off when I was leaving work because it was warmer outside and I was going to the chiropractor.  And somewhere between work, the chiropractor and home the sweater has disappeared.  Literally.  It's nowhere to be found.  It didn't go into the Chiro office with me, as far as I know.  So that leaves the car. And it's not in the car.  And it's not home.  And it's not at work.

Anyway, my day totally sucked at work, and I decided that I really needed to have a little black sweater and a couple of places have some kick-ass sales so I might be able to find a replacement relatively cheaply.   And so a little retail therapy.  The problem is that my job causes me to need the retail therapy, but doesn't really pay me enough to support the need for retail therapy.  That sucks!!!  And so, instead I end up eating and totally sabotaging any weight loss effort I've been putting in.

And now, I've talked myself back into the FML stage.  So to continue the venting.  This entire week I've been gradually receiving all the little jobs that used to be my coworkers...  so I am officially doing a job and a half, and still not being paid enough to equate one of them.  And my boss fluctuates between talking about how busy we are and they may not let her replace my former coworker, and continuing to add new programs and things that take up even more time...  And I can't even continue because it makes me angry.


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Add insult to injury (actually injury to insult...)

So it's not bad enough that I'm feeling all emotional and depressed, I go to the chiropractor today and apparently the emotion and depression is settling into my back and f*&%ing me right up.  UGH!  So now I have a bunch of exercises that I need to do at least 3 or 4 times a day at work to stretch myself out, and hopefully make the emotion stop settling where it's settling.

Life just keeps compounding on itself, doesn't it!?

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

*sad face*

Having a bit of a down week.

Last week was the last official day for my third office-mate in the eight years I've worked at the Complex.  Add that to the number of co-op students who've come and gone, and the fact that I've been trying to get out of that place for at least 3 years, and it's a little depressing.  I should just be grateful for the job that I have, but somehow that's just not getting through to my heart right now.

It probably doesn't help that I'm friends with all 3 former co-workers and am watching them do great things in their lives, at least new and interesting things, and here I sit, in practically the same place as when I started. (Not exactly the same place, since I was living with my parents when I got the job, and I've since bought a condo, but the premise is the same.) Nothing much has changed.

And I think I'm likely sabotaging my weight loss effort because of the bit of depression I'm feeling, which just adds to the depression.  It makes me feel like a failure.  I feel kind of like crying.  Maybe I should make myself watch a sad, sad movie to get the tears out and maybe I'll feel better.  Normally, I'd say I'll plan that for the weekend, but this weekend I actually have plans, so surprisingly, I won't be able to sit around and do nothing.  WOO!  (That's the good version, not the sarcastic one... in case you were wondering.)

Anyway, I just wanted to use this space for a little venting, and now I'm done.