Monday, August 20, 2012

My Confession

"... that smile you're wearing
It's a beautiful disguise
It's just something you put on to hide the emptiness inside
And you seem so lonely"

I realized tonight, sometime between listening to music that I love by an artist that I ... well, I won't say love, but something resembling some version of it, and driving home, that I am not as okay with the way my life is, as I may seem to be - To anyone who knows me, and not even to myself. And the worst part is that I don't know why, or how to fix it. There's not so much anything really wrong, it's just that ... well, something's just not right. And I've been rationalizing and reasoning and explaining why it's fine for so long that I almost had myself convinced. Until I hear random song lyrics that have never made me cry before, but somehow now have some strange poignancy, even if the context of the song isn't exactly right.

"Trying to outrun all the memories
But I keep falling down
I keep falling down
And it's like you still got a hold on me
'Cause I keep falling down
I keep falling down"

Maybe it's just a random feeling that something needs to change, if I could figure out how to change it, and some part of me will long for the old, while another part wants to stop looking back and start looking toward something new. Maybe I'm just in a sad place, where anything that seems remotely melancholy is going to hit a chord.

"I confess, everytime I come around
Something's always got you down
And I don't understand why
And if you wanna tell me
I'll be the angel on your shoulder, baby
I'll be the man that you confide in"

Maybe it's just that everyone seems to have that person who they can confide in, share things with, and I don't. Maybe, it's just because I'm thinking about my friends upcoming wedding, and how two of my other friends have gotten married in the past two years, and that some part of me is envious. And maybe it's not a blanket issue that envelopes my whole life; maybe it's just something that will pass, and is only something because I was faced with it today, and seemingly constantly, recently.

"I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with your head
Everytime I look around you're somewhere else instead
I wanna ask you why but everytime I try, you cry"

Maybe this whole thing is just a fleeting moment of non-clarity, of having too much time for my mind to wander, of too much emotion for random reasons. Maybe it doesn't mean anything at all. Maybe it's just me watching something unreachable, and wanting it for myself.

"From the first hit
I saw my world come crashing down
I’ll never forget
How you just blew my mind
My head is spinning
Feel my heart ’bout to explode
I’m overload from the head to toe
Around and round and round we go"

Lyrics from "Heart Without a Home", "Falling Down", My Confession" and "Addicted" - performed by Nick Carter

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