It doesn't pay to be optimistic.

I had a second interview for a potential new job on Saturday. I was hopeful. Things went well.

Turns out they didn't go well enough. No new job for me.

Back to the drudgery that already exists, devoid of new challenge or excitement.

As of this moment, I have been in the same position for slightly more than 9 years.  In that time, I have seen 3 full-time Program Coordinators (my "companion" position in the office) and 18 co-op students (mostly University, one College and a couple of high school) rotate in, and back out, of the office.

This could indicate several things: 1) that I'm loyal and not given to floating in and out of things, 2) that I'm in a rut that I can't get out of.  Mostly, it means that every 4 months I have to retrain the only other person in my office.  And by the time most of them are actually useful as support in the position, they leave.  And the process starts all over again.  The few who have stuck around, stay long enough for me to get into a comfortable synchronicity with them before they go and leave me to the pattern again.

I'm tired.  And I dread going to work.  And I think what I said above is the main reason for both things.  I'm in a constant state of uncomfortableness with the newest additions and they're never around long enough to get out of it.  I've got no one I can rely on, to know that if I'm off one day, they'll pick up the slack.  I have no peer.  It's lonely.  And frustrating, because I'm also mostly surrounded by people who only kind of get it.  It's not that I physically have too much to do, though I can't say that I don't hate having to do parts of the Program Coordinator job as well as my own, but it's mentalling taxing having to adjust to and remember what these new people do and don't know all the time.  Trying not to expect too much at the beginning, or expect too little later on.  I don't know how to keep straight where they are at any given moment in time.

And I want them to ask questions when they don't know something, but I often feel as if I'm always answering the same questions.  It's not usually their fault; I just can't remember who has asked what, or when.

Like I said, I'm tired.   Part of me is proud that I've managed to weather all the crap that's been ongoing in the job for the past 9 years.  Another part of me is screaming "Why won't someone just help me get out?!"  But it's all mental, right?  Take a few deep breaths.  Remember that it's not the co-ops fault that they're here and they're learning, and try not to snap their heads off.  Eventually I will get my due.

Or maybe this is it.

It's official

I am a horrible blogger. And I can't follow an easy resolution to improve myself. Wow.

So, it's the beginning of my 39th year, and ouch, does that seem old.  It's not bad enough that the number is scarey, but the day after my birthday, I wake up with the most painful pain in my elbow that I have ever felt in my life, inclusive of my hip pain from a few years ago.  You do not know how much an elbow can hurt, until it does.  And you don't realize how important elbows are until they're so painful you can't use them.

But, after two days of heat and cold, that seems to have worked itself mostly out, and now my new year begins.  I don't have a lot of time left until I'm forty, and I want to make sure that I make myself healthier before then.  The years on the down side of the hill need to be my best, not the lazy slide into whatever lurks at the bottom.  So, with that in mind, I've begun another exercise routine.  It's not really any different than last year, but I'm going to try it again.  And I'm tracking my food, so maybe that will make the difference. I've been doing the tracking for a while already, so I already have that habit, now I'll just be able to see how the exercise affects the food intake as well.  And maybe something will trigger a change in how things have been working.

In other news, I'm more than half way through my Human Resources course, and after achieving 85% on my midterm, and suffering through a group project, I think I should come out the other end fairly well.  The next thing is to figure out where the money is coming from to take two more classes in the next semester.  If I can take two classes for each of the next 3 semesters, I can have earned my Human Resource Management Certificate in a little bit over a year from now. That's pretty exciting.  But I have to find the money...

I'm doing well with reading this year, well on pace to reach my goal of 45 books.  Depending on the books of course.  And since one of those books was actually a series of 9 books, I'm actually well ahead of the goal.  I'm trying to mix contemporary books and classics, fiction and non-fiction, fluff and substance, but I think I tend to be a little more toward the contemporary, fluffy fiction than anything else.

And so, I think this post is probably well over-long enough and I'll stop now.  I will try to put a few thoughts in here on a regular basis.  But I've said that before.  We'll see how long it lasts.

There goes that resolution

So apparently blogging more often is a bad resolution - it's pretty much already broken.

Last weekend, I worked my last shift at my seasonal part-time job, and then Sunday went to spend the day with my favourite one-year-old on his birthday.  He's sort of, kind of, like a nephew, since I'll never actually have any biological ones, and his mom has been my friend since we were in grade 2 (with a few minor breaks in the middle when she or I moved away from the other.  She tried to give me her little brother - yes, literally, give him to me.  I was halfway down the school hallway before her mom noticed!) during the first month that we knew each other, so somehow it was definitely going to be a lasting friendship.)

I spent this past week training a co-op student because my boss was out sick (the flu is crazy - crazy!! - this year), and working an additional half hour/night because we can't leave the co-op student alone yet, and then sleeping when I got home.  Oh, and my Human Resources class started this week, so there was homework and reading in there too.  Ridiculous.

I had to clean this weekend because I've been really, really slack on that, and I have the post-Christmas party for my seasonal part-time job tonight.

I did get to spend some fun-time on Friday night with a good friend and her sister-in-law, knitting (we're making infinity scarves) and drinking, chatting.  That was lovely.  And I'm addicted to another TV show (Sons of Anarchy, in case you're wondering) so there's that.

Beyond that, I don't think there's anything else to report.

There might be a post on the weight loss blog later (nope, no actual weight loss, just an observation that I might find time to make) but I don't have anything else to put up here for the moment.

Perfect! Not even a month

So, I'm told that I don't blog often enough (I believe the thought was that I don't blog often enough for particular people to spy on me, but that's okay - at least I know somebody cares)  And now, here it is December 31, 2012 - the last day of the year, so it's time for the year-end wrap up.

And really, in the basest sense, this year was really the same as the last.  I'm at the same job, I live in the same place, I know the same people.  I watched another friend get married in September (third in a row for that one) and well... nothing really changes.

I think this year should be different.  Something has to change eventually right?

I'm signed up to take a continuing ed course at the local college to improve my knowledge base and maybe help in the ongoing job search.  I'm planning to continue my attempt at self-improvement with being more fit, and I want to be just a better person in general.  Less cynical, more optimistic.  Just better.

I need to read more, watch TV less.  Be less concerned that I'm being a bother to other people, be more confident.  Be more me without worrying what other people think.  I want to be more intelligent - not in a snooty way, I just want to use my brain more.  Be more productive.  For myself and society.  Maybe I should do something charitable.

There's a lot that I could do to make myself better.  But I think I need to sit down and  be more organized, in general.  Get rid of clutter, in my place, my life, my brain.  There's so much that could help.

I don't think I'll do my first of the year post this year.  This one has pretty much covered everything.  I'm going to blog more though, so maybe that will make up for no January 1 post.  And maybe I'll be less worried about what I'm writing here.  It should be what I'm thinking right?  Not in a mean way, and not in a way that I wouldn't post if it wasn't so anonymous, just in a less concerned that I'm being judged way.  Just to be more real.

And with that, my 2013 New Year resolutions:
1) blog more
2) save more/budget better
3) be more fit

And on that note, I think I'm done.

Happy New Year!

*raspberry*

I was going to do a post called FML today.  But part of why that was valid, made it less so by the time I got home, so I didn't.

So, I have a black sweater...  Or better put, I HAD a black sweater.  I wear it a lot, because it's cold where I work. And it's a black sweater so it goes with everything.  Just a cute little top layer.  Anyway, I wore it yesterday.  And I took it off when I was leaving work because it was warmer outside and I was going to the chiropractor.  And somewhere between work, the chiropractor and home the sweater has disappeared.  Literally.  It's nowhere to be found.  It didn't go into the Chiro office with me, as far as I know.  So that leaves the car. And it's not in the car.  And it's not home.  And it's not at work.

Anyway, my day totally sucked at work, and I decided that I really needed to have a little black sweater and a couple of places have some kick-ass sales so I might be able to find a replacement relatively cheaply.   And so a little retail therapy.  The problem is that my job causes me to need the retail therapy, but doesn't really pay me enough to support the need for retail therapy.  That sucks!!!  And so, instead I end up eating and totally sabotaging any weight loss effort I've been putting in.

And now, I've talked myself back into the FML stage.  So to continue the venting.  This entire week I've been gradually receiving all the little jobs that used to be my coworkers...  so I am officially doing a job and a half, and still not being paid enough to equate one of them.  And my boss fluctuates between talking about how busy we are and they may not let her replace my former coworker, and continuing to add new programs and things that take up even more time...  And I can't even continue because it makes me angry.

Grrr...

Add insult to injury (actually injury to insult...)

So it's not bad enough that I'm feeling all emotional and depressed, I go to the chiropractor today and apparently the emotion and depression is settling into my back and f*&%ing me right up.  UGH!  So now I have a bunch of exercises that I need to do at least 3 or 4 times a day at work to stretch myself out, and hopefully make the emotion stop settling where it's settling.

Life just keeps compounding on itself, doesn't it!?

*sad face*

Having a bit of a down week.

Last week was the last official day for my third office-mate in the eight years I've worked at the Complex.  Add that to the number of co-op students who've come and gone, and the fact that I've been trying to get out of that place for at least 3 years, and it's a little depressing.  I should just be grateful for the job that I have, but somehow that's just not getting through to my heart right now.

It probably doesn't help that I'm friends with all 3 former co-workers and am watching them do great things in their lives, at least new and interesting things, and here I sit, in practically the same place as when I started. (Not exactly the same place, since I was living with my parents when I got the job, and I've since bought a condo, but the premise is the same.) Nothing much has changed.

And I think I'm likely sabotaging my weight loss effort because of the bit of depression I'm feeling, which just adds to the depression.  It makes me feel like a failure.  I feel kind of like crying.  Maybe I should make myself watch a sad, sad movie to get the tears out and maybe I'll feel better.  Normally, I'd say I'll plan that for the weekend, but this weekend I actually have plans, so surprisingly, I won't be able to sit around and do nothing.  WOO!  (That's the good version, not the sarcastic one... in case you were wondering.)

Anyway, I just wanted to use this space for a little venting, and now I'm done.

I own a lot of crap

I tried to decrease my clutter today and increase my income by selling some of my used CDs to The Beat Goes On. Apparently if I don't want them, neither does anyone else.  Despite the brightly lit neon sign in the window of the store that said "Wanted Used CDs."

It was a bit depressing watching the staff person go through the stack and keep piling them in the pile that they didn't want. I sold 7. Out of about 50.  I got a grand total of *drum roll please* $10.

Whoop Whoop.

Depressing I tell you.

The funniest part about it, was one of those was Hilary Duff.  Really!?  People actually WANT Hilary Duff?  I had The Tragically Hip in there.  And Aerosmith.  And other stuff that's far more reputable than Hilary Duff.

Apparently, (CLEARLY) at some points in my life I have had far too much money.  Obviously, that is not the case now.

I'm going to try again though.  I refuse to believe that all of it is useless, and that no one else in the world might possibly want it.  Some of the CDs they didn't take are options for posting on Amazon Marketplace, so I'm going to give that a shot.  It doesn't cost me anything and maybe someone out there is looking specifically for that particular CD.  And The Beat Goes On just doesn't know it.  It's not ALL crap.  I swear it's not.

*sings "I swear... by the moon and the stars in the sky... "

Random lamentation

I lament the days past when I had millions of ideas, when I could sit down and write a story in an afternoon.  I miss the feeling of finding a conclusion to a story that wanted to be told.

But now, I find that while the ideas are there, they struggle to reach the surface.  And rarely to they reach any kind of climax or conclusion.  They just putter around in my brain, waving, teasing, making me think they'll come to play.  Unless they're lucky enough to escape through the pen, and even then, they don't seem to find an ending.

A hundred voices, screaming to be heard through ink and reality, but never to reach their destiny between the pages of a book.