Wrap it up 2019

I didn't do a formal year-end wrap-up post this year due to... well, things. I have some pretty severely mixed feelings about the start of a new year. In the last couple of months, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on life, and I guess now, is the moment I've chosen the share some of that.

My year started out pretty great, actually, with a new opportunity that took away a significant portion of what had been my most recent stress. I was reintroduced to the stress of change, but I hadn't been without that for very long, so it wasn't a big reunion. Since February, I've been settling into the new opportunity and have been grateful for it nearly every single day.

Especially when August came. And the steep downhill slope of the roller coaster that was 2019. I've always thought of my life as a kiddie coaster - I never really had serious ups and downs, just the slow rolling hills that they put the kids on. That's good - I don't really enjoy roller coasters anyway. But 2019, well it seems a bit like the loopiest and steepest coaster that I've ever encountered. So far.

So as I start the slow ascent from the lowest dip in the coaster that I've experienced in my 40-some years I reflect on how gradual the decline to that low really was, before the sudden up in February and the plunge in August.

I didn't really want to start a new year. There's a significant missing piece of my life that won't ever see 2020, and a part of me didn't want to see it either if that was the case. But life goes on. And I know there will be more ups and downs. That's how life works. But I look forward, right now, to just going back to my normal, plateau of a roller coaster.  Little ups, little downs, but overall pretty uneventful. Right now, I don't think I can take a whole lot more than that. No excitement, and no devastation.  Just life.

In my reflection, the only resolution I've come up with is that I want to be kinder this year. Mostly to myself, because I am my own harshest critic. I judge my reactions, my thoughts, my actions much more harshly than I do anyone else's. And I relive them in my head, thinking about how to fix them. But they're over and I can't fix them, so why not be a bit more gentle. And in so doing, be more gentle in the world in general. Because the world can use a bit more kindness and gentility. And I don't want to waste any more of my time here beating myself, or anyone else, up in any way.

Understanding

I understand that we are in a very sensitive time now, - racially, sexually - where we are able to acknowledge and be better than we've been in the past.  Personally, I've always just kind of thought people were people who should be judged on their merits and their behaviour, not on their skin colour, ethnicity, or gender - but what do I know?

Thoughts of a day

Having recently suffered a significant loss in my life, I can't comprehend the people who find it necessary to post annually on the anniversary of a loss about how much they still miss that person.  It seems unnecessary as your grief and loss are your own.  Are they really just looking for further sympathy to carry them through.   Do they feel as if people have forgotten them, and their loved one, and so they need to bring it forward again?  Because the majority of people probably have their own loss to deal with, and in some cases, it may not be a happy reminder for them.

Something I found

I found this, among other papers recently.   I have no idea when I wrote it, how long ago or how recently, but I'm going to put it here so that I don't lose it.

Finding the way

For as long as I can remember, I've had this dream, no... goal, to be a writer.   I want to write a novel - to actually finish writing a novel.   I've written a lot over the years, and I can't seem to find that perfect thing to write that actually gets me to the end.   And it makes me wonder if that's actually ever been a realistic dream for me. Am I even capable of completing something like that?  Has it been stupid to hold on to that for so long?

*insert heavy sigh*

It's hard to re-evaluate dreams you've been holding since childhood.  And I don't think this one needs to be completely abandoned, but I don't think I have any idea how to move forward with it.

When friendships fade

It used to be a simple thing when friendships shifted out of tune and people faded from your life.  They used to just go away, and you didn't see them anymore.   You had some great memories, but unless you ran into them on the street somewhere, or made some valiant gesture to try to keep them in your life, they were just gone.

With all the various forms of social media, if you've friended or tagged or snapped with that person, you still see their presence in the world.  As a Facebook friend you have to watch as their life goes on without you.   It's not really painful; it just makes you wonder how you could be forgotten. 

So here's the thing...

I didn't have a great year last year.   I had a lot of disappointments - mostly in myself, and the way I handled the year.   Which is why I did not do my normal end of the year wrap up, and then start off the year posts.

I have goals for this year - I absolutely have goals for the year.   But they're a little different than they've been in the past.  This year, I've decided is the year to be aware. 

A million different things

I have a million things going through my head right niw.  A million questuons, excuses, reasons.  A million different ways to explain why things are the way they are.  I feel crapoy, like an idiot and stressed out all at the same time and none of it is something that I can talk about.  Not really anyway.  It's either not my story to tell or it's  stuff that makes me seem petty or I don't know... just makes me seem so self involved.  I just don't know what I'm thinking right now or how I'm supposed to be reacting or handling things. 

I should learn to appreciate life for what it is, to express appreciation for the good things and to take the bad less personally, to internalize less.  To let things go.   To breathe and actually live. 

I don't know.  It's a lesson I need to take to heart, but it's been a lesson long in learning and I still don't know if it's sticking.   I need to take things in perspective.  To take them step by step, to laugh, to live and to  keep learning.  Life does not get better because you wish it would.  It gets better because you work at it, and appreciate the good in it.  Always appreciate the good.  It will outweigh the bad if you acknowledge that it's there.

One way of thinking...

This is a fabulous article.  And says many things that I was thinking as I first saw the Vanity Fair cover.

Caitlyn Jenner's Vanity Fair cover conforms to Ages Old Male Standards of Beauty - from The Toronto Star (06/02/15)

It's definitely a valid life choice for Caitlyn Jenner to follow her heart to make changes to herself and to allow the public to follow her journey to attempt change in the world.  But does she have to use an out-dated female stereotype to exhibit that change?

Edit:
A friend posted this on Facebook.  Good for Jon Stewart!
Jon Stewart made a brilliant point about Caitlyn Jenner that nobody's talking about

Something I wish I had heard sooner and hope to remember

Daniel Radcliffe does WHAT!?!?

He... raps?  

Huh?  

What??

Apparently he's just good at stuff...

Om

I have decided that I need a way to look after myself; my brain, my spirit, my self.  So I have started learning to meditate.  There's a great book that I found for beginners, that teaches you to meditate 8 minutes a day.  I started on Sunday, so I'm not sure how well I'm doing but the book stresses that it's the practice of meditation, so just doing it is accomplishing something.

Anyway, it's new, and maybe I can learn to be more calm, centered, and maybe more myself than I've been most recently.

Deep

I feel like I'm drowning.  Every time I think I may be able to take a deep breath, fill my lungs, something drags me back under.  I don't know what to do.

There are supportive hands and voices out there,  but the most heard thing is "What are you going to do to change it?"  If I knew that, wouldn't I already be doing it?

And so I continue to tread water, with as much strength as I can, waiting for the tide to change, to give me a chance to save myself.  I cam only rely on that.

Yes or no? What do I know?

I've been following the referendum in Scotland with interest.  Mainly because I do have aspirations of visiting eventually, and I want to know how the vote will affect that.  But less self-servingly, I'm interested in history, and Scotland is part of mine, and has it's own interesting history.

I don't really have an opinion on whether or not "Better Together" is right, but I can understand how a country can be upset at their representation in government when they are an actual separate country, but not have their own government or even equal representation.

Buckets full

I read an article recently about something called the "Book Bucket Challenge."  Essentially, it challenges people to list the 10 books that have most influenced them or left the greatest impression on them.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a big reader, but I'm having a lot of trouble with this concept.  Not that anyone nominated me for the challenge, but it got me thinking anyway.  The problem may be that I read too much, and I generally find something worth taking out of everything I read.  Not necessarily on purpose, but some piece of something always sticks.

Interesting...

Resistant to change

I'm told at work sometimes that I'm resistant to change.  I feel strongly that I'm not resistant; I just want to have a good reason/explanation for why I should be making that change.  Change for change sake isn't useful for anything.

Then I read this for my Training & Development class this semester:

Interesting

I'm reading Quiet, by Susan Cain about Introverts in an extroverted society, and found this interesting passage:

"Open plan offices have been found to reduce productivity and impair memory. They're associated with high staff turnover. They make people sick, hostile, unmotivated and insecure."

I may have discovered part of why I'm not so fond of myself currently.  The office has made me this way.

It's a journey, right?

I'm going to start taking yoga classes again.  This is going to be what I do for myself for my birthday.  My boss found a 2 week pass to the yoga studio I had previously researched (and never actually attended) in a local Business magazine, and so now I have no excuse to not go for at least two weeks.  So I've checked out the class schedule, and have mapped out 3 classes this weekend that can work for me (all beginner, only one hot, which makes me feel better because seriously, I don't sweat enough without the room being all freakin hot?!?)

Hopefully I can keep myself motivated to actually go to these classes, and keep the intimidation factor as low as possible.

What I would tell my 16 year old self....

People always talk about what they would tell their 16 year old self if they got the opportunity.  I've never really known what I would say; there were too many options.

I had a conversation with a couple of high school friends last night, and it was mentioned what I was like in high school, and then on the way home I heard this song.  And I know I've posted it before, but I think it perfectly says what I should tell my 16 year old self, if I ever got the chance.  So I'm posting it again.