Wrap it up 2019

I didn't do a formal year-end wrap-up post this year due to... well, things. I have some pretty severely mixed feelings about the start of a new year. In the last couple of months, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on life, and I guess now, is the moment I've chosen the share some of that.

My year started out pretty great, actually, with a new opportunity that took away a significant portion of what had been my most recent stress. I was reintroduced to the stress of change, but I hadn't been without that for very long, so it wasn't a big reunion. Since February, I've been settling into the new opportunity and have been grateful for it nearly every single day.

Especially when August came. And the steep downhill slope of the roller coaster that was 2019. I've always thought of my life as a kiddie coaster - I never really had serious ups and downs, just the slow rolling hills that they put the kids on. That's good - I don't really enjoy roller coasters anyway. But 2019, well it seems a bit like the loopiest and steepest coaster that I've ever encountered. So far.

So as I start the slow ascent from the lowest dip in the coaster that I've experienced in my 40-some years I reflect on how gradual the decline to that low really was, before the sudden up in February and the plunge in August.

I didn't really want to start a new year. There's a significant missing piece of my life that won't ever see 2020, and a part of me didn't want to see it either if that was the case. But life goes on. And I know there will be more ups and downs. That's how life works. But I look forward, right now, to just going back to my normal, plateau of a roller coaster.  Little ups, little downs, but overall pretty uneventful. Right now, I don't think I can take a whole lot more than that. No excitement, and no devastation.  Just life.

In my reflection, the only resolution I've come up with is that I want to be kinder this year. Mostly to myself, because I am my own harshest critic. I judge my reactions, my thoughts, my actions much more harshly than I do anyone else's. And I relive them in my head, thinking about how to fix them. But they're over and I can't fix them, so why not be a bit more gentle. And in so doing, be more gentle in the world in general. Because the world can use a bit more kindness and gentility. And I don't want to waste any more of my time here beating myself, or anyone else, up in any way.

Understanding

I understand that we are in a very sensitive time now, - racially, sexually - where we are able to acknowledge and be better than we've been in the past.  Personally, I've always just kind of thought people were people who should be judged on their merits and their behaviour, not on their skin colour, ethnicity, or gender - but what do I know?

Thoughts of a day

Having recently suffered a significant loss in my life, I can't comprehend the people who find it necessary to post annually on the anniversary of a loss about how much they still miss that person.  It seems unnecessary as your grief and loss are your own.  Are they really just looking for further sympathy to carry them through.   Do they feel as if people have forgotten them, and their loved one, and so they need to bring it forward again?  Because the majority of people probably have their own loss to deal with, and in some cases, it may not be a happy reminder for them.

Something I found

I found this, among other papers recently.   I have no idea when I wrote it, how long ago or how recently, but I'm going to put it here so that I don't lose it.

I'm just going to put this here...

Finding the way

For as long as I can remember, I've had this dream, no... goal, to be a writer.   I want to write a novel - to actually finish writing a novel.   I've written a lot over the years, and I can't seem to find that perfect thing to write that actually gets me to the end.   And it makes me wonder if that's actually ever been a realistic dream for me. Am I even capable of completing something like that?  Has it been stupid to hold on to that for so long?

*insert heavy sigh*

It's hard to re-evaluate dreams you've been holding since childhood.  And I don't think this one needs to be completely abandoned, but I don't think I have any idea how to move forward with it.

When friendships fade

It used to be a simple thing when friendships shifted out of tune and people faded from your life.  They used to just go away, and you didn't see them anymore.   You had some great memories, but unless you ran into them on the street somewhere, or made some valiant gesture to try to keep them in your life, they were just gone.

With all the various forms of social media, if you've friended or tagged or snapped with that person, you still see their presence in the world.  As a Facebook friend you have to watch as their life goes on without you.   It's not really painful; it just makes you wonder how you could be forgotten. 

So here's the thing...

I didn't have a great year last year.   I had a lot of disappointments - mostly in myself, and the way I handled the year.   Which is why I did not do my normal end of the year wrap up, and then start off the year posts.

I have goals for this year - I absolutely have goals for the year.   But they're a little different than they've been in the past.  This year, I've decided is the year to be aware. 

End of another year

Another year is coming to a close.  And I once again, have not kept up with the blogging.  Did I post even once this year?  Other than posting random musical content that is.  I doubt it.  I'm not even go to check.  Instead I'm going to focus on a minimal update and what I hope to accomplish in the new year. 

What to say about this year.  It's been incredibly depressing in the loss of celebrity life.  Just in the last two weeks, we've lost George Michael, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds.  Then add to that Prince, David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Alan Thicke.  So many that I can't even list them all.  Something like 110 celebrity or entertainment related deaths this year.  It's crazy.  So, for that reason it's good that 2016 is coming to a close.  And hopefully 2017 won't follow the same path. 

Personally, on the topic of loss, my Shea passed away in October, and it's been harder to deal with than I expected.  I've lost other pets previously, but this was just different somehow.  I guess probably because I've never lived outside of my parents home without her.  And now I have to.  The goal is to get another kitty-baby, but we need to do some renovations on my place before that can happen, so I'm waiting. 

I've settled in at my new job, though as an organization we've been going through some pretty major transition which is due to change again starting Tuesday.  I've been working part time again for the Christmas season, and with the part-time job and the full-time job and the going to the gym I'm pretty close to burning out, so while I enjoy the part-time position, I'm glad that it will be coming to an end.  I need proper rest, and to stop stressing myself out. 

Otherwise life has been just life.  There are parental health concerns, and general other issues, but I can't control any of that, so I need to just go with the flow, and let it go.

Which basically leads to  figuring out my goals for the upcoming year. 
1) Stop living in my head - stop overthinking and over analyzing everything.  Just let life happen as it does, and enjoy the moments, but don't obsess over them.
2) Eat better, take better care of myself.
3) Read more consistently.  - I found this year that I was trying to cram in the books that I needed to finish my (decreased) goal.  I need to plan better so that I don't get that far behind again this year.
4) Write more.  Blogging or storytelling.  It doesn't matter.  Just do it.  More often.  More consistently.
5) Be more organized.  Tidy up after myself.  Purge things that I don't need anymore.  Stop being a hoarder.
6) Be more financially responsible.

All of these things are actually related to making myself feel better.  I spend money on things I don't need and eat things that I shouldn't eat when I'm stressed and then I don't feel like doing anything productive because I'm thinking of myself as such a slacker, so what's the point? It's really a big endless cycle.  Concentrate on all those things individuallly and they should all work themselves out. And it should work out to me being less moody, and more positive. 

I'm down with giving it a try anyway. That's the goal for this year.  End on a happier, healthier, more productive note.  Not too tall an order, is it?

Add it to the list of things i like because of Zumba connections

Can't Stop the Feeling

A million different things

I have a million things going through my head right niw.  A million questuons, excuses, reasons.  A million different ways to explain why things are the way they are.  I feel crapoy, like an idiot and stressed out all at the same time and none of it is something that I can talk about.  Not really anyway.  It's either not my story to tell or it's  stuff that makes me seem petty or I don't know... just makes me seem so self involved.  I just don't know what I'm thinking right now or how I'm supposed to be reacting or handling things. 

I should learn to appreciate life for what it is, to express appreciation for the good things and to take the bad less personally, to internalize less.  To let things go.   To breathe and actually live. 

I don't know.  It's a lesson I need to take to heart, but it's been a lesson long in learning and I still don't know if it's sticking.   I need to take things in perspective.  To take them step by step, to laugh, to live and to  keep learning.  Life does not get better because you wish it would.  It gets better because you work at it, and appreciate the good in it.  Always appreciate the good.  It will outweigh the bad if you acknowledge that it's there.

Another year past...

It's been far too long since I last posted.  And I actually have things to tell, but since it's twenty minutes to the new year, I'll keep it short.  I've made some changes in my life and had some changes happen.

Thankfully nothing bad for me specifically, and nothing that's exceptionally noteworthy for anyone except those very close to me, but things that have hugely affected my outlook on life, making the final 40 or so pages of my 2015 book and different story than I started at the beginning.

Hopefully I can take those changes and run with them in 2016 and write a more exciting story than I've had in the past few years.  But to begin, let's recap the things that helped leave 2015 on a good note.

Colour-blind?

How can a group of people expect society to "not see people based on their colour", but then complain about other groups who are "colour-blind" when speaking about issues.

Being a blonde, blue-eyed caucasian, I am clearly not part of a visible minority group (except for being female), but I just don't understand the hypocrisy.

When a report comes out about virtually anything, the first thing minority groups comment is that the report is colour-blind - as in it doesn't take into account issues specific to particular minority groups.

But as a whole, society is expected to see everyone as equal, without making note of any colour differences.  How does one discuss issues specific to a minority group that you're not supposed to be making note of?  It doesn't make sense.

People are people.  We should be aiming for a society where there are no issues for specific races/colours/cultures, but only issues to specific people, or to society as a whole.  Stop taking backward steps.

Tiny Kittens Puffy kittens hilarious

This is a great video to watch if you ever just need a random laugh.  And then you'll feel bad for all the kitties.  Assuming that you're even remotely an animal person.  They're adorable.

Currently stuck in my head...

One way of thinking...

This is a fabulous article.  And says many things that I was thinking as I first saw the Vanity Fair cover.

Caitlyn Jenner's Vanity Fair cover conforms to Ages Old Male Standards of Beauty - from The Toronto Star (06/02/15)

It's definitely a valid life choice for Caitlyn Jenner to follow her heart to make changes to herself and to allow the public to follow her journey to attempt change in the world.  But does she have to use an out-dated female stereotype to exhibit that change?

Edit:
A friend posted this on Facebook.  Good for Jon Stewart!
Jon Stewart made a brilliant point about Caitlyn Jenner that nobody's talking about

Wish you were here

Often after a TV show that I've watched is cancelled, I will follow the careers of the actors in that show to find out what they go on to do.  Lauren Graham, for example, I watched on Parenthood and try to catch on Ellen every time she's on (Highly recommend this especially - she's hilarious and never says anything useful.  It's just funny.)

Another example: Bethany Joy Lenz played Haley on One Tree Hill.  I've always found her interesting, putting aside the fact that Haley was the character that made the most sense to me on the show.  From the random snippets of interviews that I've seen of her, I have always enjoyed her personality outside the show as well.  She now has this awesomely adorable blog that I'm following. In it's own words "For anyone seduced by nostalgia and inspired by the future, WISH YOU WERE HERE is a little place to rest a while."

It's just the right combination of fashion, beauty, nostalgia and the exactly right amount of snark and personality that I absolutely love it right now.

Edit - 02/04/2018 - the site is called Modern Vintage Life now, still awesome.

Finding me...

Have you ever wondered if there was one choice that you made that completely changed the course of your life?  I'm not talking about the life altering decisions that clearly alter your path.  I mean the little ones, the ones that seem to be of no consequence, beyond choosing what to eat for dinner, or which movie to go to on a particular night.

Is it possible, that every single tiny little detail that you choose means you go in a different direction.  What if by choosing this movie instead of that one, you miss out on meeting someone who could have made an impact?  What if by reading this book, you changed your perspective on a topic and had an argument with someone who could have been a valuable ally?  There are so many things that could change just because of the little things.

Something I wish I had heard sooner and hope to remember