Thursday, January 18, 2018

So here's the thing...

I didn't have a great year last year.   I had a lot of disappointments - mostly in myself, and the way I handled the year.   Which is why I did not do my normal end of the year wrap up, and then start off the year posts.

I have goals for this year - I absolutely have goals for the year.   But they're a little different than they've been in the past.  This year, I've decided is the year to be aware.  Aware of myself, aware of every moment, and aware of life in general.   I want to stop blaming myself for things in the past because it's over and I can't change it.  And I want to stop worrying about the future because I can't change what I don't know is going to happen.  I can't control it.  I need to focus on the moment in front of me, and figure out how to make that moment the best moment it can be.  Make the best choices in that moment, and be the best me that I can be at that moment.

It sounds nuts when I write it down, but it's important.   I didn't like me much last year, especially in the last couple of months.  I was letting other people's perceptions and expectations convince me that I wasn't good enough.  I don't want to do that anymore.   I am good enough, and I need to remember that.  Every single day.

Part of that process is journaling every day, which is why I'm not blogging.  But the journaling is more about reminding myself about the good in life.  I literally started it with the theory that I would write down at least one good thing about the day.  Every day.   It was the only way that I kept myself sane late last year.   It's been remarkably fabulous actually, and I'm finding that I write more and more every day, because I'm beginning to realize that there really is good in every day.

I read something a few weeks ago that said humans tend to focus on the negative moments.   For example, if you have a regular day, nothing exceptional, but perfectly acceptable, and then you have an argument that takes up 5% of that day.   You will say that it's a completely awful day.  It sucks.  It was horrible.   But it was really just that 5%.   You could have been having the best day of the year, until that 5% of the day, and you'd still say the entire day sucked.   It's remarkable when you think about a life that way.   And makes you realize how much of life we're pushing aside to focus on that negative moment.   It's insane.

And so, my goal this year is to have a good year.  Not great.  Not exceptional.  But good, because I want to focus on the good moments, and let go of the negative ones.   If I'm not good enough for someone and they try to make me feel bad about it, then that's their loss, because I will find something positive to take out of the interaction.   I'm already finding that I'm less stressed by handling things that way.   I'm exhausted because being present in every moment takes a lot of work at first, but I'm getting there.   And I feel good about it.

Which leads me to this blog.   I do want to write more.  And since I'm journaling every day, I am technically writing more.  But I do want to make use of this blog, so I think I'm going to set myself a goal to write here at least every two weeks, and maybe even every week.   It may just be about things that have struck me as interesting from my journal.  Or it might be things in the news or interesting random facts that I feel like rambling about.  But I do have a goal to be here more.  And I want to stick to that.   Because part of being aware is making notes about that awareness, and sharing that awareness with others.  And this might be just the right medium for me to do that.

And that is the story of my life right now.  In this moment.

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