Monday, June 1, 2015

Finding me...

Have you ever wondered if there was one choice that you made that completely changed the course of your life?  I'm not talking about the life altering decisions that clearly alter your path.  I mean the little ones, the ones that seem to be of no consequence, beyond choosing what to eat for dinner, or which movie to go to on a particular night.

Is it possible, that every single tiny little detail that you choose means you go in a different direction.  What if by choosing this movie instead of that one, you miss out on meeting someone who could have made an impact?  What if by reading this book, you changed your perspective on a topic and had an argument with someone who could have been a valuable ally?  There are so many things that could change just because of the little things.

I suppose a person could "what if" him- or herself to death in a world where we were given the information on both sides of every single little decision.  But a person with a vivid imagination can do that anyway.  (Clearly.)

I guess I'm wondering this now because I'm realizing that at forty, I'm still trying to figure out who I am, and what I should be doing.  The directions I have intent to go don't really seem like they're open to me, and I feel a bit like I'm floundering, despite being fairly sure that I'm doing okay.  And I wonder if in years gone by I've made some seemingly unimportant decision that has brought me to this place instead of the path that I might have known better and felt more comfortable in.

Considering this, it becomes clearer to me that I haven't ever been a risk-taker, and maybe that's where I've missed out.  If I'd felt less like being comfortable and more like trying new things or taking chances, maybe I'd have a better idea of what I was doing in life.  Because I'd have more experiences to back me up.  But then, maybe as I gain more confidence in myself, because as I age I am doing that, I'll learn to take some more chances, and maybe that's how I'll find myself.

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