Dilemma

Not so much a dilemma actually, but a conundrum. Or just confusion.

I have this feeling, that I need to be more spiritual. That I need to pay more attention to the small details in life. That I am, in essence, letting my life slip by, because I concentrate on the things that I don't like, rather than on the things that I should be happy about. And I think I need to do something about that. The problem, or question, is how to do that. What does it mean for me to be more spiritual?

I was raised presbyterian, and we did go to church on a semi-regular basis. At least, until I started figure skating and the competitions were on weekends and we'd be out of town, or just too tired from a late Saturday night to get up to go to church in the morning. Sometimes I think that was probably a bad thing for me. Maybe I'd have a better sense of self, if I had a better sense of what religion is.

But maybe that's just an excuse. I really do know what I believe. And I have a strong sense of how I feel about organized religion. To put it simply, I don't understand the need to gather in order to affirm what you believe in. If I believe something, I believe it, whether or not I get together once a week with people who believe the same thing as me. I also believe that the Bible is a great book of stories, that can give us guidance in how to live life, but that it's not a "rule book" for how to live. I also don't think everything in it is strictly true. How could it be? The stories were passed down for many generations before they were written down and it's been translated so many times that it couldn't possibly be exactly the way it was originally. Have you ever played a game of telephone? Things get changed/re-interpreted. So I choose to believe in it. But not to live as though it's the law.

I've chosen to label myself an agnostic. I believe there is a higher power, but I don't know what that is, nor do I know how much control he/she/it has over how we live our lives. I also think that there probably is a grand scheme, but that there is also a lot of free will. So maybe there are options along the way, but eventually they all lead to the same end? I don't really know. I can't be an atheist because I do believe in something, and I can't, with any conscience consider myself a Presbyterian (though I am technically a full-fledged member of the church) because I'm not sure that I follow the entirety of the beliefs.

Which is where my need for more spirituality comes in. I guess, it's not a need for spirituality in the form of religion, but maybe it's a need to learn more to see where I fit into the grand picture. To figure out if what I believe actually makes sense. So, maybe it's a need for education in a spiritual realm. Maybe I need to read about all the major religions, and the minor ones to find things out. To educate myself. Just to learn. Somewhere in all the writings there has to be something that I could glean from that.

I know, I'm not the first person to have these thoughts. And I'm not the first person to set myself on some kind of journey of self-exploration. But I'm the first me to do this. And that makes it a new experience for me. I don't really where to start, but I do know that I need to do something.