Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I'm not sure what I'm doing...

There are so many things going on around me, I get distracted by all the shiny, niceness for everyone else, and I fail to notice that I have absolutely no idea what's going on in my own life. I know I'm envious of a number of people that I know. I'm also highly not-envious of a few of them. And I know I don't want to be doing the same thing I've been doing for the rest of my life. That is to say that I don't want to just be, and survive. I want to actually DO something. Anything, really, beyond what I've been doing. I just don't know exactly how to kick-start myself into that. It's not that I'm not motivated to change things, but I think part of me is also afraid of change. It may not actually BE better, y'know? So part of me sabotages the part that's actually pushing to make the change.

Plus, my entire life has been in a kind of holding pattern for almost two years, since I found out what was wrong with my hips, and that surgery and recovery time would be involved. I could have made changes, but it would have severely changed the timeline on fixing my physical issues, and I wasn't willing to do that. Part of me regrets that decision too. I could have done part of it, and put off the other part or something. But I didn't. So I have to deal with the decisions that I made. And I have to kick myself in the ass, and do what I need to to make myself happier. That's really the long-term goal. I need to do things that will improve me and that includes so many things: physical, mental, emotional.

The mental might actually be the easiest part, since I took psychology, and I can actually recognize my issues. Putting that knowledge to use to make changes is my problem. I'm lazy. In multiple ways, and I need to start doing something about that too.

So I guess this is, in a way, my manifesto. This is my promise to myself, and my written exclamation... I will change. I will find ways to improve in all the ways listed above. And I will take advantage of the many resources that are available to me.

I can. And I will.

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