How I'm spending my November

Well, here's the participant badge, that I always forget to post...  My word count is still a little behind (read that well behind, since we're almost halfway through the month) but I'm further ahead than I've ever been in Novembers past.

So maybe I've got a shot.  Right now, I need to write about 2,400 words/day.  Maybe.  We'll see.

My thoughts aren't particularly coherent, but they are there.  And nobody says it has to be a readable novel when I'm done.  That's what editing is for.

It's November - you know what that means

It's NaNoWriMo again.

And due to unforeseen events in my RL I was unable (read: unwilling, uninspired) to start until today.  And I started slow.   But in the last hour or so, I've made up some words and am actually on a decent pace.

I have a few ideas floating around in my head, and I'm hoping that something coherent comes out of them.  I'm trying my best not to censor stuff, because that seems to be my biggest problem.  I write and then erase bits, and that affects my word count.  And also my writing flow.  So maybe, if I can be a little more stream of consciousness this year, I can actually finish the month with a win in the NoMo column this year.

And clearly, I'm not having any problems with words today, because I'm rambling on here as well.

We'll see if by the end of the month I end up with anything useful in my Word file.

Here's hoping *crossed fingers*

2 years ago today...

October 30, 2010 - I was just out of the hospital after my 2nd hip replacement surgery in less than 2 years.  It's a weird thing to think back about now.  I don't remember the pre-surgery pain, though I know I had a lot, and I don't remember any particular misery about the surgery/hospital experience, but I do know that my life now, is much better than it would have been had that never happened.  And I contribute it mostly to two people.  My aunt's friend who suggested, and then suggested again a year later that I really ought to be doing something about it, and actually got me to see the second person, my surgeon, who fixed me well, and with little to no issues or trauma.

There are so many things that I could say, but really, I'm just grateful that someone was able to recognize my issues and get it all sorted out before I wasted too much time telling myself it was just something I had to deal with.

And more than a month goes by....

I've thought about posting a lot in the last few weeks.  I don't know why I haven't.  My excuse is that I was keeping up with my fitness blog, on which I finally accomplished something, even if it's not actually what I was going for.

So, in the past two months - let's see what's happened.

I was maid of honour in a friend's wedding.  And the pictures, all of the ones with me in them, are horrid.  I do not photograph well.  But I already knew that, so we move on.   It was a beautiful ceremony and a great day over all.  And then she and her new husband went off on a Mediteranean Cruise.  Add to that, my aunt was also off on a Mediteranean cruise at the same time.  And another friend went on a Disney Cruise.  Talk about a week or so of complete and total envy.

Work ... sucks.  But not because of the job, or because of anyone actually physically in the building.  Politics are winning out.  It's a miserable culture in that town right now, and we all feel fairly harassed by people who are supposed to be supporting us, and who give us the direction that they're trying to say isn't right.  It's so difficult.  Add that to the idea that I'm not particularly thrilled to still be there anymore anyway, and the week's just continue to get longer, and longer.  And the week-ends are far too short.

I've gotten a seasonal position with Northern Reflections again this year.  Not as desperate for the spare money this year, as I was last year, but if I can use it to buy Christmas gifts, that will be wonderful.  And working for the same person this year, in the same place and she was lovely, so it should be a good deal.

Other than that... I don't think I've got anything to report.  NaNoWriMo starts in a few days, so I'm hoping I can do that again this year, but I tend to have good intentions and then end up with nothing less than two weeks in.  Maybe I can find some writing discipline this year.  It's not like I don't have the ideas, I just have trouble making them become something cohesive on the page.

And my new mantra - though I'm still working on changing it - is: I'm not fat.  I have fat. I was able to complete my goal of walking 365 miles.  Finished it on Wednesday, in 298 days.  That's pretty good.  So I gave myself 4 days off, before I start a new routine on Monday.   I need to give myself random goals though, in order to accomplish anything.  I can't just have abstract things like "exercise every day."  There has to be an end goal.  Right now, I'm going for a month long plan.  I need to make it through that plan.  Beyond that, I'll have to figure out something else.  But I'm not looking beyond it right now.  Just like I didn't look beyond my 365 mile goal when I was working on that one.  And I do feel more fit than I did before I started.  And I have a bit of a workout ethic now, which is saying something.  I haven't lost the weight I was hoping for, but at least if I'm healthier that's positive.

And I think I'm done rambling for now.  Hopefully, I can keep up on this blog a little more now that I'm not blogging as often elsewhere.

And after that...

Pictures from my weekend... the close to only thing (person) that could have salvaged the crap week that I had, and am destined to have again.  And again...

The photo album is available here: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10152030186445506.897392.746095505&type=3&l=7c8ee1968d  (35 of the best of the 275 photos I took.  Thank goodness for digital - no film processing costs)

My Confession

"... that smile you're wearing

It's a beautiful disguise

It's just something you put on to hide the emptiness inside

And you seem so lonely"

I realized tonight, sometime between listening to music that I love by an artist that I ... well, I won't say love, but something resembling some version of it, and driving home, that I am not as okay with the way my life is, as I may seem to be - To anyone who knows me, and not even to myself. And the worst part is that I don't know why, or how to fix it. There's not so much anything really wrong, it's just that ... well, something's just not right. And I've been rationalizing and reasoning and explaining why it's fine for so long that I almost had myself convinced. Until I hear random song lyrics that have never made me cry before, but somehow now have some strange poignancy, even if the context of the song isn't exactly right.

"Trying to outrun all the memories

But I keep falling down

I keep falling down

And it's like you still got a hold on me

'Cause I keep falling down

I keep falling down"

Maybe it's just a random feeling that something needs to change, if I could figure out how to change it, and some part of me will long for the old, while another part wants to stop looking back and start looking toward something new. Maybe I'm just in a sad place, where anything that seems remotely melancholy is going to hit a chord.

"I confess, everytime I come around

Something's always got you down

And I don't understand why

And if you wanna tell me

I'll be the angel on your shoulder, baby

I'll be the man that you confide in"

Maybe it's just that everyone seems to have that person who they can confide in, share things with, and I don't. Maybe, it's just because I'm thinking about my friends upcoming wedding, and how two of my other friends have gotten married in the past two years, and that some part of me is envious. And maybe it's not a blanket issue that envelopes my whole life; maybe it's just something that will pass, and is only something because I was faced with it today, and seemingly constantly, recently.

"I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with your head

Everytime I look around you're somewhere else instead

I wanna ask you why but everytime I try, you cry"

Maybe this whole thing is just a fleeting moment of non-clarity, of having too much time for my mind to wander, of too much emotion for random reasons. Maybe it doesn't mean anything at all. Maybe it's just me watching something unreachable, and wanting it for myself.

"From the first hit

I saw my world come crashing down

I’ll never forget

How you just blew my mind

My head is spinning

Feel my heart ’bout to explode

I’m overload from the head to toe

Around and round and round we go"

Lyrics from "Heart Without a Home", "Falling Down", My Confession" and "Addicted" - performed by Nick Carter

Ever notice...

That I post more when I'm having a crappy life?