My Confession

"... that smile you're wearing

It's a beautiful disguise

It's just something you put on to hide the emptiness inside

And you seem so lonely"

I realized tonight, sometime between listening to music that I love by an artist that I ... well, I won't say love, but something resembling some version of it, and driving home, that I am not as okay with the way my life is, as I may seem to be - To anyone who knows me, and not even to myself. And the worst part is that I don't know why, or how to fix it. There's not so much anything really wrong, it's just that ... well, something's just not right. And I've been rationalizing and reasoning and explaining why it's fine for so long that I almost had myself convinced. Until I hear random song lyrics that have never made me cry before, but somehow now have some strange poignancy, even if the context of the song isn't exactly right.

"Trying to outrun all the memories

But I keep falling down

I keep falling down

And it's like you still got a hold on me

'Cause I keep falling down

I keep falling down"

Maybe it's just a random feeling that something needs to change, if I could figure out how to change it, and some part of me will long for the old, while another part wants to stop looking back and start looking toward something new. Maybe I'm just in a sad place, where anything that seems remotely melancholy is going to hit a chord.

"I confess, everytime I come around

Something's always got you down

And I don't understand why

And if you wanna tell me

I'll be the angel on your shoulder, baby

I'll be the man that you confide in"

Maybe it's just that everyone seems to have that person who they can confide in, share things with, and I don't. Maybe, it's just because I'm thinking about my friends upcoming wedding, and how two of my other friends have gotten married in the past two years, and that some part of me is envious. And maybe it's not a blanket issue that envelopes my whole life; maybe it's just something that will pass, and is only something because I was faced with it today, and seemingly constantly, recently.

"I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with your head

Everytime I look around you're somewhere else instead

I wanna ask you why but everytime I try, you cry"

Maybe this whole thing is just a fleeting moment of non-clarity, of having too much time for my mind to wander, of too much emotion for random reasons. Maybe it doesn't mean anything at all. Maybe it's just me watching something unreachable, and wanting it for myself.

"From the first hit

I saw my world come crashing down

I’ll never forget

How you just blew my mind

My head is spinning

Feel my heart ’bout to explode

I’m overload from the head to toe

Around and round and round we go"

Lyrics from "Heart Without a Home", "Falling Down", My Confession" and "Addicted" - performed by Nick Carter

Ever notice...

That I post more when I'm having a crappy life?

*raspberry*

I was going to do a post called FML today.  But part of why that was valid, made it less so by the time I got home, so I didn't.

So, I have a black sweater...  Or better put, I HAD a black sweater.  I wear it a lot, because it's cold where I work. And it's a black sweater so it goes with everything.  Just a cute little top layer.  Anyway, I wore it yesterday.  And I took it off when I was leaving work because it was warmer outside and I was going to the chiropractor.  And somewhere between work, the chiropractor and home the sweater has disappeared.  Literally.  It's nowhere to be found.  It didn't go into the Chiro office with me, as far as I know.  So that leaves the car. And it's not in the car.  And it's not home.  And it's not at work.

Anyway, my day totally sucked at work, and I decided that I really needed to have a little black sweater and a couple of places have some kick-ass sales so I might be able to find a replacement relatively cheaply.   And so a little retail therapy.  The problem is that my job causes me to need the retail therapy, but doesn't really pay me enough to support the need for retail therapy.  That sucks!!!  And so, instead I end up eating and totally sabotaging any weight loss effort I've been putting in.

And now, I've talked myself back into the FML stage.  So to continue the venting.  This entire week I've been gradually receiving all the little jobs that used to be my coworkers...  so I am officially doing a job and a half, and still not being paid enough to equate one of them.  And my boss fluctuates between talking about how busy we are and they may not let her replace my former coworker, and continuing to add new programs and things that take up even more time...  And I can't even continue because it makes me angry.

Grrr...

Add insult to injury (actually injury to insult...)

So it's not bad enough that I'm feeling all emotional and depressed, I go to the chiropractor today and apparently the emotion and depression is settling into my back and f*&%ing me right up.  UGH!  So now I have a bunch of exercises that I need to do at least 3 or 4 times a day at work to stretch myself out, and hopefully make the emotion stop settling where it's settling.

Life just keeps compounding on itself, doesn't it!?

*sad face*

Having a bit of a down week.

Last week was the last official day for my third office-mate in the eight years I've worked at the Complex.  Add that to the number of co-op students who've come and gone, and the fact that I've been trying to get out of that place for at least 3 years, and it's a little depressing.  I should just be grateful for the job that I have, but somehow that's just not getting through to my heart right now.

It probably doesn't help that I'm friends with all 3 former co-workers and am watching them do great things in their lives, at least new and interesting things, and here I sit, in practically the same place as when I started. (Not exactly the same place, since I was living with my parents when I got the job, and I've since bought a condo, but the premise is the same.) Nothing much has changed.

And I think I'm likely sabotaging my weight loss effort because of the bit of depression I'm feeling, which just adds to the depression.  It makes me feel like a failure.  I feel kind of like crying.  Maybe I should make myself watch a sad, sad movie to get the tears out and maybe I'll feel better.  Normally, I'd say I'll plan that for the weekend, but this weekend I actually have plans, so surprisingly, I won't be able to sit around and do nothing.  WOO!  (That's the good version, not the sarcastic one... in case you were wondering.)

Anyway, I just wanted to use this space for a little venting, and now I'm done.

I'm Failing!

I'm not currently in this place, but I've been here in the not distant past and so, when I was re-watching Gilmore Girls this summer this scene resonated in a way that it hasn't previously.  And it made me want a Luke to run to, not necessarily so that he could bail me out, but just so that there was someone there.

Trying to keep up with my life

There's not really a lot to keep up with - as in not a whole lot has happened - I just have trouble remembering to document anything that does happen.

Let's see.... since my last post, what's happened.  *crickets*

That's what I thought.

My dad and I walked in the Father's Day Walk/Run for Prostate Cancer Canada.  It was held, aptly, on Father's Day.  My mom was supposed to walk as well, but after a health scare earlier in the week, we basically told her she wasn't allowed to and dad and I continued on without her, while she performed as photographer for us.  Together, we all raised just over $1,400 and dad and I finished the walk in just under an hour, about 10 minutes faster than last year.  We all say we're going to continue doing this particular 5k walk for as long as we are physically able.  Which means, somewhere down the line, I will be walking alone...

I'm going to see Corey Hart perform live next weekend.  To most, this would not be exciting.  To me, it's a childhood dream.  Corey Hart was my first ever celebrity crush.  It began at the age of 8.  And because I was so young, I have never had the opportunity to see him live.  On my list of dream concerts, he's always been there, but toward the bottom of the list because he doesn't do music anymore.  He retired from touring and making records to raise his children. Which I can totally respect. It's definitely a valid choice.  It just made me sad that I would never have the opportunity.  Until now.  Apparently, some local(ish) DJ approached him to remix one of his songs, and Corey said yes.  And it's now become a kind of Pride anthem, so he's performing as part of the Pride Festival.  Which y'know, is a little odd, given that he's straight and all, but that's okay.  I'm going to see Corey Hart live!  And I don't have any issues with going to Pride to do it.  I've been at Pride for much less of a reason than that before.

The next day, my friend and I are heading to Niagara Falls because she hasn't been in a very long time and would like to do a few of the touristy things.  She's coming with me to the concert, so it's a perfect way to combine the two things.  And we're both on vacation starting that week so it's perfect!  It should be a good few days.  So excited!!

In other updates:
I've begun going to a chiropractor, and I feel pretty good about it.  I was having muscle issues in my right shoulder blade area and had been having recurring headaches that I could not get to go away.  Since seeing the chiropractor I've had only one headache, and I think that it was caused by the adjustment and my body adjusting to the new position.  Otherwise I've been doing really well.  She's given me some exercises to do on my own as well, and those are also very helpful.

My weight loss goals are not going as well as I had hoped - I'm stuck at about 12 pounds lost - but I do feel healthier.  I feel good about myself knowing that I'm being more active.  And maybe my metabolism will at some point realize that I'm not going to stop walking and get itself in gear.  There's no reason for it to be sluggish.  I'm not starving to death, clearly.

I have a "face-to-face" for what could be a very interesting job opportunity on Wednesday.  Part of me is freaking out because of the circumstances that make it interesting, and part of me is being very passive.  Shrugging my shoulders and saying "Eh.  Whatever happens, happens."  It's a weird situation for me.  I'm generally quite high-strung about prospective job stuff.  I desperately want to find something new, and it's a very bad idea to let a prospective employer know that you want it desperately.  So perhaps this will go better because I don't have that same feeling.

Some days I feel kind of like I'm drowning in the non-ness of my life.  (Yes, I just made up that word.)  I don't really do anything much, but I feel like I have no time to do anything, because I never get anything accomplished.  It's a bit scarey.  I'm hoping that maybe I can change my attitude a little if I change some of my current situations.  I need to make changes, I think my psyche is scared that I'll end up somewhere worse than I am now.  I'm too comfortable here.  Even though I'm not really comfortable at all.  But change is stressful, and worrisome, and who needs that?  Every one does.  I know.  I just have to get myself comfortable with the idea of change, so that I'm a bit more willing to take a risk.  And hopefully the right risk will present itself soon, while I've got myself in the right brain-place to take advantage of it.